Healthy Living: Merry Christmas

It has been a crazy year. And its not over yet. But I want to take this special to wish you all a merry Christmas! :)

MCAT: A little thought

I wanted to write something today. Something to get off my chest on a day like this. The image i chosed today seem a bit odd. But really, it is what I am feeling now. You can notice the sky isn't very bright. But then, its not dark either. At this moment in time, it glows pink almost like the sun is about to set. It seem like some things are coming and something that has been long avoided and it coming-the sunset.

But in a way, I don't seem it like something dark or onmorous. Instead, it feels like it comes in peace. I have waited and put this off long enough with multi-delays on this MCAT test. It is finally coming, and the last day of reregistration has slipped away.

I am not sure what to think anymore. From the perspective of my mind, I really don't know what is going to happen anyone and what will become of me when I take this test. I know at this moment, I am academically not competitive in the term of my MCAT scores which is a 24 (and that is a lucky score). The range of the offical MCAT test would be +/- 3 points. So, it could be a lot worse if something bad happen. My test day is coming closely which is less than 2 weeks ago.

Like I said, in my head, I am not sure what will happen anymore. How many tears will I have to swallow up when the offical score comes back? How would this limit my chances as an applicants? Was 4 years of toils in college all coming to a waste? All these question rages in my head as I sit here and lament on my inadquatecy. I can't cry anymore. No more tears can I shed for this matter. Maybe the waterfall of tears will come after the official test in december?

And yet, from the bottom of my heart, I know everything is going to be okay. Or at least, that is what I tell myself each night before bed. And as my heart gives in to the this inevitable event of taking the MCAT, my head is frantically searching for a solution to resolved this crisis (am I even making sense anymore?)

But at the end of the day, I tell myself one final statement. I'll fight for it. It will be okay. Whether, it rain or shine, it will be okay. I pat myself and cried it turn bad if the worse come. I don't know. (I am sorry for this depressing post. Its the only place I can vent my feeling without worrying people. I tried not to let my thoughts out to others because I don't want to make people close to me more sad and depressed.)

I don't know what will happen or if I will get another shot at this MCAT before it changed. If I canceled now, will it be too late to reregister again? So, am I going to submit this score? What will it be?

Hmm.. My scores are not ready. I am too slow and not strong on my science. I am too slow on my verbal. And, the MCAT is changing. Goodness, the stress lol. And yet, I put such a peaceful picture for this post when the content is downright depressing.

Well, I have given up on worrying. I have let go on my fears. What will come will come. I will meet it. For better or worse, I am here. I am not running anymore. This confrontation is long overdew. If death is what will meet me, I will die in honor because I gave it my best shot. Or I can die in vain because I refused to submit the score on test day.

I feel uncertain and unsure. I feel like I am walking into the unknown. I have accepted the feeling of the worse. I don't know if I am losing hope or just being extremely calm.

Either way, lets stop thinking. I'm just going to do my job which is get ready for this test. Shall we?

MCAT: Weak

I know that there are many lives worse than mine. I know there are others who suffer so much more. But tonight, let me share my fear and pain. Because tonight, I am weak.

The days are slowly slipping away and the tension and stress are getting ever greater. Things are great. I'm not ready, I'm scared, I'm unsure, I feel dumb, I feel stupid.

I don't let my parents know because that will only worries them. I am terrified.
Things aren't great. I went through a mental breakdown yesterday. Today, my heart is still heavy.
This test is going to be the death of me.

I dont' dare to tell any of my friends and my family members. I don't want to worry them. I am very terrified and scared.

I want to let it out. So that there is a medium in which I can translate this pain & fear.

This path is not easy. Doctors has warned me. Darlene has warned me. My parents has warned me. The internet has warned me. But, something just tic. I want this. I really want this.

Whether I am good enough or not good enough. It is not for me to decide. My jobs is to take this test. And I will take this test. I will probably die studying for it. But hell, let death come. I suffered. I cried. I studied. I will meet it.

GUESS WRITING: The way we say those three words

[N-14]

 ..And so my grandmother always used to say that it: “took a very special woman to be a doctor’s wife”.

O(h)B(aby) 1: The Ways We Say Those Three Words

You all know by now that I am obsessed with writing about everything that happens third year. (You can read all my other stories about my other rotations here) I’ve been on OB for almost three weeks now, so I guess it’s time that I actually put up some of the writing I’ve scribbled down about my experiences. 
OB is one of those rotations that is all highs and lows. There’s nothing else runs the gambit of highs and lows quite so quickly. Someone once told me that the worst outcomes in medicine happen in OB because when something goes wrong, too often you don’t only lose one patient and because sometimes your hands are tied by the simple biology of viability. But it also has some of the most beautiful outcomes and I will never be amazed how often people walk onto or off the OB wards smiling.
As always, all the usual disclaimers to this apply (see bottom). 
 ~~
My grandfather was a doctor; these were the years before work hour restrictions, before anyone had done research about how dangerous it was to treat patients after you hadn’t been asleep in two days. These were the years before we talked about how important it was doctors got to be happy too. And so my grandmother always used to say that it: “took a very special woman to be a doctor’s wife”.
Now, with a set number of hours off between call and a maximum number of house residents are allowed to work per week (even though many residents have to lie because they routinely go over) it may not be quite the same as when my grandfather would leave home at 3 in the morning after the phone rang and then my grandmother wouldn’t know to expect him back by morning or until the following day.
But I still think it takes a very special person to be a doctor’s wife—and perhaps an even more special person to be a doctor’s husband. Hell, it takes a special person just to be a doctor’s significant other for any period of time.
When I was on surgery, my attending agreed to take a patient back for a surgery that was desperately needed, even though he was supposed to leave to go home at 6. I remember him calling his wife from post-op, leaning against the wall with his shoe covers still dotted with blood hiding his brown leather loafers. “Yeah, I’m going to go back to the OR again. I won’t be home till late.”
Silence for a moment, then “If you feed the kids I can pick something up for us if you want to wait for me.”
Silence again, then “You too.” Then a pause, like he’s about to hang up, then he breathes a quiet “thank you” and smiles.
He hangs up the phone and looks at me: “It’s very important to have an understanding partner when you’re in medicine.
“It’s not just important it’s essential,” I say.
He nods, and then grabs a mask from the box and walks back toward the OR. I know that he and his wife have been together though most of his surgical career, she’s probably used to these kind of calls now. But I wonder if she’s ever disappointed when she puts a plate in the oven to stay warm instead of sitting down across from him.
I think it’s interesting how he said “thank you” at the end of the conversation. And it was so much more than just thank you for understanding. Something about the way the words slipped past his lips was the gentle communication that happens between people who have loved each other for a very long time. The way you say one thing to tell a thousand things because the other 999 need not be said, they’re simply understood. He says thank you and he means “thank you for taking care of the kids even though I can’t tonight”, he says “thank you for not being angry”, he says “thank you for every time this has happened”. But most of all what he’s saying is “I love you.”
I love you. A soft, unspoken I love you breathed into the beeping, cold, quivering air of the PACU.
At the time, watching this scene slipped past me, unnoticed in the busyness of surgery rotation. I know it’s OB that has brought it back to the forefront of my mind. It’s OB that made me start thinking about all the ways we say “I love you”.

My first day walking on L&D I notice a very strange thing—the patients, they’re smiling. They don’t seem to mind to be here. Many of them are excited. What a shift from internal medicine or surgery—where patients are only excited when they’re allowed to go home. Where the hospital is a place of death and not life.
I’ve never seen a baby born before. I could count on one hand the number of women I’ve personally known who were pregnant. My only sibling is a brother born when I was still too young to remember. Most of my cousins are older, but none of them have started having babies yet. And like me, most of my friends are putting off having babies until later in life when they’ve gotten a little further along in their careers.
At 4:15 am I’m standing in the darkness of the bedroom, staring blankly at the wall, unable to handle even being human at this time of the morning. I put on makeup, mostly with my eyes closed (not a great idea), kiss T goodbye as he rolls over and mumbles sleepily to me, then I get in the car and drive through the ink black darkness of the early morning hours.
At 7:39 my hands are reached out to touch the soft, dark hair of an infant as it hits the atmosphere. Its delicate fingers, squished tight eyes, mouth open in a grimace as it fills its lungs and screams and screams.
At 10:18 it happens again, and this time my fingers curl around an umbilical cord and I pull gently until the placenta detaches and comes free in my hands, large, soft and bloody.
I’m on my way out of the hospital when I see the baby again early that evening. My footsteps slow as I pass the open door. Finding your feet slowing down on the way out of the hospital is a strange experience, usually I’m moving as quickly as my legs will carry me, trying to spend my few precious hours beyond the walls.
I stop in the hallway.
The young woman is lying in bed, her hair pilled up on the top of her head, curls falling down onto the back of her neck. The father holds the baby, his eyes still wide with wonder at the tiny tiny life in his hands. As he holds the baby he leans over and kisses his wife on the forehead. I don’t know what he says to her, but she laughs. They both laugh.
That’s one of the most beautiful ways I’ve ever seen someone say I love you.
But no less amazing than the hours before when that young woman said “I love you” to that baby for the first time with pain, with blood on the floor, with exhaustion.
I’ve been thinking about all the ways we say I love you. We say a thousand words to one another, but somehow all of them mean the same three little words.
We say “feel better” or “I missed you”.
We say  “good luck” or “are you okay?”.
We say “go to bed” or “don’t get up”.
We say “come here” or “I got it”.
But all we’re saying over and over again is I love you.
Sometimes we say nothing.
Sometimes we make breakfast at 4 in the morning so it’s there when someone else wakes up at 7.
Sometimes we stop on the way home for flowers.
Sometimes we do dishes or pick up the check.
Sometimes we turn the lights off, curl together in the darkness, and fall softly into sleep.
But all we’re saying over and over again is I love you.
It’s even more important that we do this in medicine. Even more important that we do this when we are so lucky to have those special people who are “doctor’s wives” and “doctor’s husbands” and “doctor’s boyfriends” and “doctor’s girlfriends”.
It’s even more important that we do this for the people who are “doctor’s friends” or “doctor’s parents” or “doctor’s brothers”.
I love you. I love you. I love you.
I walk off the L&D ward that day, thinking how strange it is to walk off a hospital floor smiling. Happy.
The next morning, before I leave, I kiss T goodbye in the darkness. “Thank you.” I breathe out into the stillness of the early morning cold of the house.
“For what?” He says sleepily and his eyes open softly in the darkness.
“For everything.”
“I love you too.” He says.
He knows.

Necessary disclaimers: (LADYDAYMD)
This piece is

1. Mine
2. Not representative of any of the organizations, schools, hospitals, etc. I am affiliated with.
3. For entertainment, discussion, and amusement purposes only and any much of my writing is very tongue in cheek. Consider this when reading.
4. ALL names (including those of physicians) have been changed to protect the identities of people I write about.
5. Some details of locations, times, cases , etc have been altered. In every case to protect the details of the people involved and never to embellish or alter the telling of my experience. What you find here is the true account, as true as flawed human memory can tell, of my experience.
6. This piece is subject to all other disclaimers that occur on this blog. 

MCAT: No turning back

If this is what we have left, then what we have is gold. [N-13]

MCAT: Keeping things in perspective

A man told me I restored his hope on people today. All I did was made a small phone call to check on him.  The Galaxies are large and yet the universe is larger. We are so small and insignificant.  And then again, this man made me feel like I did something amazing.

I took the day off today..

[N-12]

MCAT: Hit me

too tired. not sure if i can get up in time tomorrow ... T.T

MCAT: Too slow

[T-10]

Healthy Living: hitting the books

Today, I been good:

-1 physical [3.5ps]
-verbal 1x
-verbal 2x
- bundle 1a

I did my hw today! :D

MCAT: Coming

Today:

-1 physical [3ps]
-1 bundle
-1 verbal bundle + 1/3

below avg... [T-8]

MCAT: One of those days

One of those days. Today is one of those days where I do not feel very well. I feel like a loser. The clock is ticking. The test is coming. I feel I'm not good enough. I am scared. Its 3 weeks away. [T-7]

MCAT: Eat your Frog first

For the spirit of this year Halloween. Hahaha

But either way.
The stress has been getting to me. I can't even sleep properly these these day. I lash out of my parents. I lashed out on my friends. I'm not handling my issue well. The stress is getting to me. I went to bed last night and my head was running. Even in my dream I am not at peace. Why?

For the past few days, I been neglecting to do my verbal passages. And to make matter worse, verbal is my weakest topic. If i could score a 9 on verbal, my MCAT studies would be 75% done. But, I'm not getting that score. And I was negelecting to do any of it. Its so hard to sit down and FORCE MY SELF TO DO THAT VERBAL THING.

So, I came up with a different solution. I'M GONNA START EATING MY FROGS! SO this morning, I ate my first few frogs. I did my verbal passage first. It took me 6 hours to get 5 verbal passage to correct. (It took forever because I had to force myself to sit down and do work.)

I have swallow a bunch of frogs today. I'm not sure if today is a defeat or a victory. I just hope I can get a few more assignment done before bed.

Healthy Living: Serendipity

Its late tonight. I should be in bed hours ago. I don't know how I am going to get up tomorrow.

Earlier today, something profound happen to be today. I wanted to write pages and pages about this event. But I won't and probably can't.

So, I am going to leave it in this short post. It is a thought I wanted to share.

I had a friend that came into my life 2 years ago. This classmate has helped me through a lot during my years of studying in college. We are lab partners and class buddies. I owe my last 2 years grades to her influence. I learned to grow and become a better person. And I am forever thankful for that. I don't know how I made out of college but goodness it was nothing less than divine intervention.

MCAT: The Art of Tracking & Slacking

THE ART OF TRACKING & SLACKING:

So, after weeks of stressing and messing around. I finally got off my lazy butt and update my progress. Let me show you what happened in the last 90 days.

This has been my daily progress in the last 90 days. Instead of "Calories", it was measured in term of my daily percentage of completion.

You can see that during the week of 9/22-10/5, my progressed rating were one of the best. I was kicking ass every single day. But something happen beyond this point, and my progress began to plummit. I believed this is due to several factors.

Let's take a closer look:

Now, we can see that thing started up plummit by 10/6/14,

Error 1: Not Tracking
It also happen that I stopped logging in my daily process info starting 10/4/14. Only 2 days after I stop keeping track of my progress and logging into my database did my productivity began to plummit. It say a lot about "pacing" and having "proper mindset". The more aware and focus I am about my daily productivity, the better my output became. However, if I began to keep daily tab and check-up on my daily tasked, there is a likelihood that my productivity would increase.

Error 2: Verbal Installation
Starting mid october, I changed my studying strategy by emphasizing more on verbal. This plays a partial role in decreasing my productivity because I dread on doing verbal passaged. It always take me 1-2 hours to "get myself tied down" and "set my head into gear". The reason is that I don't find doing verbal enjoying because it required 100% concentration. This is my downfall. I know. I know. I'm screwd. But I can't help feeling that majority of my MCAT score will be dependent on my verbal skill. Whether I retake the test or not, it is the verbal that will be the death of me. So I need to find a way to get verbal productivity increase. I am thinking of adding a whole new catagories to verbal to highlight its importance in my life.

Error 3: Sticking to the rythem
I have not been waking up early to study lately. I have been hanging around too late at night and not getting my self to bed on time. This ruins my track record because I lost nearly 4 potential hours of productivity. I need to sleep early again. Serously.

Error 4: Not taking break
I don't know how to take break and when to take break. So my body automatically takes break for me. This is why my output stick the last few weeks. It took breaks for my. Notice 10/14/14-1/-20/14
That is all the break my body took for me. This is disasterous in term of my productivity.

Overall, it is not just the fact that my producitivty stink, my score is also not improving. I am hitting the lower end of MCAT 20 ranges. This is diasasterous when my test is only 4 weeks ago.
I needed to focus more time and energy on my critical flaw area.

This is diffficult and hard. The MCAT is by far a difficult challenge for me in term of productivity and direction.

Healthy Living: Off track or on track.

A million feelings. A Gillions thoughts. All of those possibilities. All of the things that could be, should be, might be, will be are all up in the air.

I am 2 hours pass my bedtime. There is a lot of thoughts and doubt on my mind. I ponder thoughts over and over again. I think of all my decision and moves. I tried to planned all of the outcome to make sure it turns out the way I wanted it. I tried not to get hurt. I think and think. And then, I come to realized, there is so much stuff going on and I can't control every event that happen in my life.

My mom always told me. What will come, will come. And, I so, for tonight, I toss all of my thoughts  up into the air and return them to the stars. I pray for guidance.

Healthy Living: Feeling Inspired

I went to one of my club meeting today. And a special doctor came to talk to us today. I felt really inspired after hearing his story. I want to tell you it. But it's bedtime. This doctor is really something worthwhile. I will dive into more detail another day.

And lastly, my heart feels really good tonight. I am behind with work and there are tons of things to worry about. But, truely, tonight. I feel really inspired at eased. (or maybe, I'm just listening to a really upbeat song right now.) I am a bit behind on blog reading, but I will catch up with it tomorrow.

I spent a majority of today feeling clustered. There was a lot of uneasiness on my mind. I am all over the place. But I found a hint this evening. And, I all the things that were flying around in my hand. They all landed.

Let me leave you with a quote someone shared with me today: "Life events come into our life for a reason."

Healthy Living: A little hard hearted

I am not suppose to be writing this right now. I have so much to do today. My head hurts and I can't seem to work proficiently. I have a slight cold.

I ran across a song on youtube today, and I can't help to sit back and think for a bit. Just to reflect on the things are happening now in my life.

This is a strange time in my life. I am not there yet. And yet, I am not where I use to be anymore. I'm in the middle of everything, and also in the middle of nothing.

My head and heart are in 2 separate path, the world continues to spin, and I keep walking.

Where shall we begin?

I am worried and conflicted. I am unsure. I am contemplating. I stressed. I am sick. I missed some people. I have someone who runs with my joke. I have a roof over my head. My mom cooks me my favorite meal. Dad still manage help me with bills and papers. I went through some stuff in college and I got out of it bit different than before.

At first, I would think that I am a bit " a little hard hearted" after coming out of college. And maybe it has left me this feeling. Where my heart is less malleable then when I came into it. And I contemplate to myself every now and then wondering, why am I still here? I should be doing this and that. I should be applying and sending in my application. I should be doing all the things kids my age are doing right now. Getting their apps in and applying to medical school.

But that isn't me. I am not there. There are still a bit more steps I have not completed yet and that is what seperated me from them. I wonder why, why can't it started? When I see someone with a whitecoat, a part of me wonder when will I ever get there? If will I ever get there? And my heart ache a bit.

And to think about love, my heart is really not what it have been before. I was a kid back then, small and foolished. College taught me something different. It gave me opportunities and taught me something more about myself. I met people who changed my life and give me a better impression how to treat people and how I wanted to be treated in return. I got my little heart crushed in college. But I am also guilty of crushing others.

And coming out of all of it, I still a bit not ready. Not yet. I look at myself and I realized I am on a path. I am far from what I once was, but not yet what I am going to become.

Healthy Living: Mix Feeling

First off, guess what? :) 

I finally got off my butt and got a gym membership. 

I have been studying a lot lately, and sitting for long hours has cause my body to ache and my butt hurts. 

Thus, I thought it is also time to do something and get out of the house. So, I got a gym membership to exercise to prevent any further but pain. 

Also, I'm sleepy. I was going to write something deep tonight. But bedtime. 

Healthy Living: My butt hurt

Mid-day blog.

I been sleeping early these few days.
My butt currently hurt. I think I sit too much and need to walk around a bit more.

I been thinking about stupid things lately. And last night, I did the most stupid things. I went to stalk a friend from college facebook. And ..damn. I really got the feel. Part of me want to cry, part of me is happy, and all of me just feel so pointless.

I know this doesn't make sense. But when I see her, I can't help wonder if my life would have been better if we never met. I wonder, if I could go back and relived part of my college experience, would I have chosen a path to have never met her.

People told me everything happen for a reason. But I can't seem to justified this person in my life. My encounter with her has only brought so much emotion in my life..my heart in pain. It like those unnecessary pain. These feeling comes out every now and then. Of all the rain and clouds, I do not regret my final decision to exit from her life. Love come and love goes. And..so it went.

...

For the picture, this is my hometown. A place that is very far away from where I live now. It is a nice picture.

Digital Update: 9/18/14

Its been awhile.
It's not that I haven't been doing weekly photoshoot. I do take them every other week. However, most are in post-production and I'm to lazy to edit and fix the coloring. But here is this week. I quite enjoy this outfit.

Healthy Living: Productivity..Productivity..Productivity..

So, I am looking my schedule. Checking my progress. Analyzing my work habit. Checking the time of the day. Checking the time I have left. And all I can say is... there is a lot to be done. And yet, I cannot seem to make my day more effective.

I study mostly at home now so this mean I am always on my desk. This puts me off from my normal studying habit because I am at home with my home computer. This mean, I procastinate so much on my computer because I go on all my favorite website.

In conclusion, I am not using my time effectively. The MCAT is coming. If I don't fix this issue, I am really screwd.

With that said, I need to do something to stop myself from distraction & procastination.
So, I am coming up with a new tactic.

GOLDEN RULE:
1. Morning Run (400PT) : consist of a morning practice test simulation (Goal: meet number requirement)
2. BUNDLE CORRECTION (500 PT): a set of committed time to correcting papers w/o computer break/eating break  (systematiclly: 20 min each ps)
3. VB2x (100PT) : another verable run & correction [OPTIONAL]
4. BUNDLE APPLICATION (300 PT): translating test errors into notes & explore unsure progress
w/o computer breaks
5. **The clocking system** = 5 hours of work time per day. (timer certified)

DETAILS: 
1.ALL BUNDLE RUN: needs to be completed away from main computer.
2. No website can be open except for timer.
3. No replying to text.

Recording System: (Myfitnesspal)
1. Calories: Accomplishment point system
2. Weight: Clocked hours

Healthy Living: Something unexpected.

It's late. But I gotta tell you about something.

Today was my first day volunteering at this small clinic. During my service, an old women patient came and give me a kiss on the cheek. I don't know, but it really touch my heart.

Healthy Living: From another Life

It's past my bedtime again. I have a date with the dentist tomorrow. But I'm listening to a song and I can't help but go on here and make this post. I'm gonna be a cheesy cheeseball tonight.

Have you ever met some someone that feels really special to you. You barely know anything about them, but you already know they are important to you. I'm not talking about love at first sight. It's could be someone who you seen around but until that one moment, everything kinda click. And the world kinda twirl for a second, and the everything just seems to revolved around that one person for that one second. And when that moment end, you know your objective. You need to get close to this person. You need them in your life. They are important. Eventhough they don't know it yet, they are very important in your life. It's like you feel you know them from somewhere that is beyond this lifetime. And this is the moment that they are walked into your life again.

Healthy Living: Meeting people

I met some amazing people today. They are only 14, but they are going through something similar to me. We are together in the same journey. In a way, we are just trying to find, love, and accept ourselves in this world that does not yet fully understand. I don’t know. They make me feel less alone in this world.

-Believed it or not, these were the 2 post that these kids made on their tumblr. When I saw this, it really really made my night.

Healthy Living: A part of something

It's late at night again. And I am writing to you this.
I should be in bed. I have been grumpy the past 2 days because I been sleeping at 3AM and waking up at 8AM. I can't handle this anymore. That's why I needed to head to bed earlier tonight.

But I wanted to write before sleeping.
I want to tell you about what has happen in these past few days.
I recently made a new tumblr account and found this online anime community! I met interesting people from all around the world. I liked this community a lot because they share the same interest as me. We watch the same shows, have similar favorite characters, and also we read the same manga. I found a group of people I finally have something in common beside just school and academic. Its relaxing and fun.

I am slowly making friends. These people are a little different from my normal facebook friends. I don't know, but something about them make me included. In a way, it feels different. I know this sound weird, but in a way, I am looking for myself through them. I am still trying to learn more about myself.

I don't know how to describe it. I need someone to show me that its is alright and it is okay to be who I am. And it is a warm feeling to know that I am not alone in this process. There are a lot of people out there in this world going through the same thing as me... because self understanding is a lifetime process.

To think, this reminds me of Jewlz's catch phrase: "Searching ...for Jewlz".

Maybe the night is getting to me and I stop making sense.

MCAT: Progress Update #2: 8/09/14-8/15/14

Update on my MCAT studies. This is kinda late but last week been quite bumpy. I manage to get a few things done though. I don't count Monday-Sunday. This is because this make me slack off and try to make up for everything on Saturday & Sunday. So, I switch my schedule where Saturday is the start of my schedule and Friday is the last day of the week. This way, Saturday and Sunday seems like a fresh start and Monday seems more like those catch-up kinda days.

Either way, what we are looking at is  THIS LAST WEEK REVIEW: 8/09/14-8/15/14
I did show improvement this week regarding my MCAT studies. But I am hoping to pass the 1000 mark each time. Next week goal is to pass 1000 mark for each day.

Digital Update 8/10/14

 

I must say, this was a very successful photoshoot. There were so much shots that I liked that it was difficult to narrow down to the top 20!!! let alone just narrowing down to the top 5. So, for the top 5, I went more with choosing different poses to create more of a variety. Overall, I really like this photoshoot. I haven't felt this good in awhile. But despite how nice the pictures came up, I am have been eating very unhealthy lately. I need to get back to eating greens.

MCAT: S1: Progress Update #1

So, I am adapting this method from my losing weights day. This allow me to track my daily progress and compared it to other days.

HOW IT WORK:

I used the myfitnesspal apps. My daily calories log is 1200 calories each day.
I rank my daily studying task in the scale from 1-120%.  On a perfect day, I will complete 100% of my assignment for that day. On a extremely rare day, I complete 120%. On other days... it varies.

But anyway, I need to get it right this time. So I'm trying to get myself back together.
Each day, I will log in my "percentage" in form of "calories". Thus, 20% workload = 200 calories.
So, if I did 100% of my daily workload = 1000 calories. My goal each week is to raised my avg. This is how the game work.

My Second Week Progress:

My Overall Progress:

MCAT: S1: Come Back

I found another duck pictures! :) And of course, it is perfect for today's topic.

Getting back into shape.
I been through summer school. I finished senior year. I graudated. Now, onto the MCAT. For REALL THIS TIME!

Try everything. 

Yesterday, I got into a argument with my mother. She came back from vacation and she basically started picking on me about my life. She said I was slacking in my MCAT studies. I got frustrated and screamed back at her. Before I know it, the whole house was awake and my dad also became involved. I told my mom to lay off me.

 I didn't want her to tell me that I am lazy and that I haven't picked up an MCAT books in weeks. I didn't want her to see that I couldn't study. I can't. I didn't want to. I am exhausted, I am tired, and I am burned out. Utterly burned out and dissapointed with the direction that i am walking right now. Don't get me wrong, it's not the destination that I am talking about. What I mean is that, things didn't go as planned for me this year. And it hit me hard. I'm have been trying to get up in the past month. But, I'm still stuck. 

I have been off track with my studies. I haven't picked up my MCAT books. I been not good. And if I want a shot at medical school, this MCAT is a hurdle I need to conquore. 

I need developed a way to organized my studies. I can't go aimlessly doing things anymore. I been strong studying for the MCAT in the past. I need to pick up steam again. Life doesn't always go as planned. It make me sad and feel hopeless like I am a failure. But, I can't just stop. My mom is such a strong women. She overcame so much hurdles in her life. I hope I can also be as strong as her. 

MCAT PLAN: 

1. Daily Planner:

--> I am going to use this to plan my schedule to see if I am on track with my daily planned. 

I am have going to have a "tentative" plan for my goals. Everyday, I will check on it to see if I am on track. It is to measure my daily task.

2. Myfitnesspal:
--> Trying to lose weight has taught me an important life lesson. If I want something to be done, I can't just neglect it. I need to address it. It need to be on my mind constantly or at least in the back of my head. I need something like myfitnesspal to help me study for my MCAT. 

Thus, I am going try to adapt my measuring system to myfitnesspal. (It's weird, but I'm trying to be innovative.. or at least something new) This is will allow me to compare the productivity of each day in a week & month span. 

3. Weekly Planner: 

--> This is to keep my schedule in check. Planned out lesson planned. 

I'm not exactly sure if all of this is going to work out. But I need to at least something or try everyone to see if something work out. I'm gotta do something. I want to be strong. I want to overcome.

Healthy Living: Unsure

Another late night, heh?
It's 3:21 AM.  I should be in bed. But I can't sleep yet. I want to let you know that today, I have submitted my last assigned for UCI. :) My undergrad years are officially over!

I'm quite unsure about this feeling. It is really a bitter sweet ending. I have been waiting for this moment since the start of spring quarter. Now it is here. I'm not sure how I quite feel about it. On one side, I am glad I'm no longer bogged down with work for school. But in away, it means that a chapter of my life has completed. I can't believed its over.

I like to think that it is over. All that happen at UCI has ended. I'm not exactly sure what I should feel. I guess tonight, I feel a bit lonely. I feel that something has left me. A part of my undergraduate life is gone and I can never take it back. I don't have any regret. I did everything I can and I am blessed to meet so much great people. And, I'm so glad I came out of it knowing more about myself. :)

So what's next? Well, I'm not really sure. But tomorrow, LITTERALLY TOMORROW, I'm going to need to clean up my room and house. I'll do a digital update next week.

For this picture, it reminds me of two people. One I met in college and the other I met during high school. They taught me a lot about myself and also help me through so much doing college. I don't think my college experience will be the same without them. I literally mean it. Now that they have taught me through what I needed to know, they are going on their way. I'm glad they came into my life and I hope I have in some way contribute a little to their life.

Healthy Living: i thought this was cute

There is absolutely no reason why I am writing this post. It's 3AM. I am suppose to be in bed. But, I'm not. I have 1 last thing to do tonight. Make a plan for my MCAT. Yes, we are doing this again until we get it.

Digital Update: 7/5/14

That's right. Finally, after 10 months of silent. I give you, 2014 Digital Update!
I am picking up this hobby again because it is important to me. This digital update routine has helped me overcome my past struggle and helped me learned to love myself. Also, its a great hobby!

I am glad I'm doing this again. :)
Though, the outfit wasn't that spectacular, I will try to put more effort on picking.

Healthliving: Running away

I have been running away from my problem lately. You know I have tried to get myself up but I have been just down in the dirt these day. Again, like I mention in the last post, this fight is not a one time battle.

Tonight, I went through another wave. But I found a nice website that help me through tonight. I want to copy& a paste this mini passage to share with you.

It's about running away from your problems.

"I learned that the other side of pain and false power is authentic power.
Paradoxically, the place where I was to find the joys that had been missing in my life was the very place I’d been running from all my life.
When I reconnected to the parts of me that I had lost, it felt like a coming-home. I learned that self-love is when we come home to ourselves. That relationship which I had sought to destroy turned out to be the very thing that would save my life in the end.
What I realize now is that we can get so  overwhelmed by our imperfections that we don’t see any goodness in ourselves.

In this way, we can destroy our relationship with ourselves thinking we are flawed and beyond redemption. But it will only cut us off from the very source of joy, beauty, and love. 
I see so many people addicted to substances and external relationships, believing that is where they can find these things. It will only feed into their deep inner insecurity and create more distance from themselves, the true source of joy.
I see so many people, like I once did, choosing to go to sleep and not be present to the everyday experience. I see many others who can’t stop running from one place to the next, thinking they can outrun their problem.

Freedom is found not by sleeping or running away, but by choosing to be awake and staying here long enough for the magic doors to open. 
The act of moving—mindfully, with an attitude of embracing life—will take you from feeling stuck with pain to healing that pain. Move slowly and you can taste the rich array of sensations. Move too fast and you’ll miss the gifts contained in the moment.
When you get vulnerable, feel emotions, and stay true to what you are feeling, you liberate yourself from pain.
As you allow the sensations to be in your body, while gently breathing through it, you invite the natural force of change to renew you with its constant movement."

-http://tinybuddha.com/

Healthy Living: Getting up

I been bad...
I confessed! I haven't been doing what I am suppose to be doing. I have summer school but I slack. I am still down with the whole sadness of not applying to medical school this cycle.

But then again, I am still one lazy bum. I can't get myself to do anything I'm suppose to. I still have responsiblities.. but I don't do anything. Ughh.!! Unproductive to the max.

I'm not quite sure what is going on with me but ...really.. I need to get back!!

But I learn something ... True Strength is having the ability to push on despite the hardship.

In spring quarter, I was struggling with this pain and disapointment of my plans not going the way I wanted. I was sad and it make me want to do nothing. But, I learned that having strength meaning to push on and dealing each day at a time.

Actually, it was Jewlz's kind advice. The idea of taking one day at a time. I don't have to strength to solve all of my issue right now. But I have the ability to solve the issue that I am facing today.

To me, real strength is not always fighting one big battle. It is finding the courage to fight one day at a time. This is getting up. Every inch of me want to sit and mope about my misery. But, I have dream and ambition.

This blog post today must sound really weird. It's so late and I'm not really sure what I am saying anymore. Its 1:21 AM. I still have a lot of stuff do because I have putting it off the whole day.
But, I am going to try to do something.