Healthy Living: Not fine

I'm not fine. I haven't been very happy lately. A friend of mine could also sense it. I'm not my cheery self. I am not performing well in school. My 2nd GPA for my classes drop down at the end of the first year. I feel like crap.

I'm not fine at all. I just want to cry. I don't know why I'm like this. My friend sum all my life issue into 2 things: Uni + Crush.

I don't even want to go into the details of the matter. I just feel like crap, and the fact that the board is coming make me feel so much more terrible. Some day I honestly don't want to do anything and just sit and curl into a ball. Some day I just don't want to study. Some day I wish I could just stop misisng my stupid crush. I wish the stupid feeling could just go away. I want my old self back. I want that fears, competitive, academic girl back. I want a who is focus on her classes, her boards, her healthy lifestyle, and always trying to improve herself. I want part of me back.

Now days, I'm just another bum. I'm very tired. I'm tired of being sad. I hate this part of myself, like I just can't get myself up. My 2nd quarter academic records is coming to haunt me. I wish I was a a better person, a better student, a better daughter, ..just to be better in all dimension.

I'm hurting. I had been hurting. I guess I shouldn't be too hard on myself. Either way, I did get through a rough school year. I know I did not perform the way I wanted to, at least I tried to weather the storms and focus on my classes. I kept it in as much as I could. I tried to weather the situation as much as possible, and try to pull it back to my class and my grades. I know my scores are crappy right now, but I really did what I could during the situation and really weather my storm.

There are events that are unavoidable to me. There are events that are meant for me, and I faced them. I kept my colors within my lines. I tried my best to handle my emotions and my feeling. I tried to be the student I wanted. I did not asked for these life events, and looking back, I really don't think I could do anything different. I am not stronger. I'm still healing. I'm still growing. I'm still agitated. I'm still in that discomfort state.

"my dear, you are so tired,

you endure so much,

let yourself rest,

you are not weak"

"It's growing pain." - its a quote a classmate has told me. I am going to continue to feel uncomfortable throughout my journey. I guess comfort is a luxury that I cannot afford. Eventhough I don't see it, I still and do believe I have a light. Just because I do not see my light does not mean I do not have one. I truly believe I can do better, and I can improve. I can be a better person, a better student, and I'm still working myself.

What I want to get done this summer:

1. Fall in love with medicine again
2. Cure my burn out- Find my passion
3. Get over my crush, at least not let her have such a big grip on me. I need my whole self for the boards
4. Finish Sketchy pharm before leaving to Vietnam
5. Finish Pathoma -- all review materials
6. Do 300 cards/day
7. Exercise 3x/ week
8. Eat healthy
9. Sleep better

My 9 commitment. Please, please, please let me be able to live to my commitment. I need myself back. I desperately need everything to face this upcoming beast: 2nd Year

"It is said that learning happens when you are uncomfortable.  Comfort breeds complacency; pain leads to distraction.  But discomfort, that is the optimal place to learn.  You are forced to stretch your knowledge and pushed to learn new information to adapt.  You may find yourself rising to the occasion in situations you didn’t know you could handle, or gaining valuable insights during times that you fail.  In many ways this magical in-between is where medical education seeks to be."-thedisagreeabledoctor