Healthy Living: The North Star

I moved to Joushua tree today for my OBGYN rotation. I truly hope this is a light rotation because all I wanted was to be able to study. I feel like a mess. My heart hurt and scared at the same time. I meditate today and I still am unable to find peace in my mind. I moved into today to a house out in joushua tree. The host was very kind. I like my room.

Amidst the chaos in my heart and mind, I looked up at the stars tonight Joshua tree, and I finally saw stars for the first. I found the big dipper and I found the direction that pointed north. Tomorrow, I will try to find the North stars.

And I realized that it is going to be okay. I have guidance. I have love and support. I have time. I have energy. I have a direction.

Just like the north stars that have guided so many slave out of slavery and into a brighter future. I hope the north star will guide me in my journey to Step1.

Corner Wall: A flower for Algernon

My team operated on a patient. I don't think the patient will make it. The surgery went well. We did what we could. But the prognosis isn't good regardless how much we worked. I felt like I lost a patient today. She was my first.

I titled this post A flower for Algernon. Algernon is a mouse in this book. Algernon is a mouse.

I know death is a common thing when you work in the medical field. You see people come and go. I guess, as a medical student coming in this field all fresh and green. I just hasn't prepare myself. Or my skin wasn't as thick as I thought.

I feel sad my pt is in bad condition. We did what we can. But we can't play god. I guess we leave the rest to a higher power to take care of her.

I don't think its weak for someone to feel for another, especially for their passing. We are human and death affect us each in different ways. I think it applies to all health care professionals. We have the right to feel and the right to grief over the loss of our patients. As human, we are entitled to our emotions. It's a downside of our profession, but it is also a blessing, to be with our patients at the end of their journey.

Its a honor and gift to be here and to have such experience tonight. My surgeon was right, when he turned to me and said "You'll never forget this." I don't think I ever will. I will carry with me on my journey to become a physician.

Healthy Living: Utterly Overwhelmed

I feel so utterly overwhelmed. Medical school studying, away rotation, step1, didactics, surgery, level 2, emma holiday, residency, will i match?

One step at a time. One day at a time.

Healthy Living: My first delivery

Today, I was first assist in my first delivery. I didn't do anything, but still, I never seen a pregnant lady give birth before. It was surreal.

Corner wall: Weightloss - the dirt road

Weight loss

Today, I spoke one of my patients regarding weight loss and she brought up some interesting problems that I myself has encounter during my weight loss journey. Tonight is too late to dive into the details, but I have come to a conclusion based on our talk and my reflection. I don’t think wofht loss is a destination. It’s not a destination to need to get to, rather I think of it as a path, a road, a railway, a direction that one goes, but not necessarily a place that one comes too. It a dirt path that requires awareness, diligence, and commitment to be one. It has its rewards in small ways, in simple treasure like the feeling of tucking in your belt a little tighter, seeing your flat belly after a whole, noticing how good you look in your clothes or how comfortable you are in your dress pants. I just feel that I been thinking about weight loss in the wrong way, I’m slowly realizing that it is a journey that we either choose to be on or not. Simply put, either your on the Dirt trail or not. There isn’t an knvetween. You either watch what you eat and continue to do so as long as you live so that you can direct your weight or body in the direction that you want it to go, or you can simply choose to let it float wherever it wants. The choice is ours to choose the path or get off the path. There isn’t really a final destination, it’s simply a dirt road that we choose to get on day after day, and that is why people call it a lifestyle choice. A life style change. The treasures that it offers comes in subtle ways, and the reward might be a healthier l life. 

Didactic Wk 2: Change of Direction

After 3 months of rotation, I can safely say that there are some rotations I LOVE, and some, I do not enjoy. What should I say to update you about my life.

Nothing much, to be honest. I am on my 4th rotation, and it is an FM rotation in LA. Eventhough the hours are alright, the daily traffic commute is unbearable, and honestly, I do not enjoy outpatient medicine as much.

I do understand the lifestyle is much chiller and with correct managing, one can become very wealthy. However, I just don't really like it that much. I like working with a larger group of individuals. I like being walking around the hospital. I like meeting different patient and seeing them back to back. I like to see their conditions improve after their hospital stay. I like speaking to different specialists and see the immediate result of my lab test and scans that I order.

I don't want to deal with patient compliance. As much as I like seeing patient again months after months, I still perfer working with a larger staff. It keeps things new and refreshing. As much as I learn a lot from this FM rotation, I think maybe, I still enjoy the fast pace of inpatient setting.

Also, right now, I'm constantly overwhelmed. I feel like I am responsible for my schooling, my living situation, my next meal, my weight, my 4th year schedule, my VSAS, my upcoming residency application. So much to do and to think about. Honestly, I feel like I'm 1 disaster away from a complete meltdown. But I know I have my family, my loving cousins, my caring friends. I am forever grateful for the support of so many people in my life.

3rd year is no joke. I find it very difficult and challenging. I has pushed and pulled me in ways that I feel is good for my development, but it is also very exhausting and draining too.

I still like didactic week very much. It brings back old characters that I love and the moments we have with each other.

Didactic 1:We're working on it

Its been a very long time since I have written in this blog. There are many times in the past months that I thought about going on this blog to write about my thoughts and feeling. But however, it seems like I never manage to carry through.

But now, I am back.

I realized that I need this blog. I need a way to expressed my feeling and my emotions. I need this blog to keep me accountable.

I want to change this blog in a different direction. I want to document my adventures from here or at least I do something that reflex "me" time.

I think I have tried this many time, but it never really care through. So, I am not confident that it will carry through this time. But what is important is that I'm burned out right now. And I need to be held accountable to take care of myself and make sure that I am study actively and productively.

So, lets try to begin again. I will use this channel to talk about work-out, and other hobby stuff. Lol, and you'll see my next post in 2019. haha

But yes, Hi, I'm back. Let's take better care of ourself in this coming year. I want to fix my wrong when I studied for the MCAT. I wanted to change 3 things from my MCAT days.

1. Focus studying (topic by topic)
2. Eat well
3. Exercise

Step is super hard and I'm super stressed and scare about it. I'm afraid I wont' do well. There is so much fear riding on this exam. I made a lot of stupid mistake during my MCAT days. I'm want to fix my wrongs, and I want to be better.

"What we obtain too cheap, we esteem too lightly: it is dearness only that gives every thing its value. Heaven knows how to put a proper price upon its goods;"

Let's be better.