Healthy Living: Rekindling the fire

A year fly pretty quick. I blinked before my eyes and I became a physician. I blinked and medical school is done. I blinked and residency ended. I blinked and I am a specialist. Time fly with studying. 

I have been in a dazed since canceling my exam. I thought about my insecurity and second guessing everything I have done. But after talking to my parents, my mm, my friends, my mentors, I realized I need to get back up. There is something very important that I need to do. I need to pass my board exam to be a board certified physician in 2 speciality. I need to take care of myself, in term will allow me to be a better physician for my patients, a better lover for mm, and a better daughter to my parents. I will have to learn to balance between work, studying, and keeping myself afloat. 

I have a relationship with a girl I really care about and I cannot just leave her because I can't deal with my own life problem. Even though there is nothing set in stone with us, she isn't someone I want to give up on, especially when I knew how hard it was to find her. I want to cherish her. And that means doing a better job of taking care of myself. 

My mom and my dad are getting older. I can feel my emotional turmoil puts a lot of burden on my parents. They have their own lives and I simply do not want to be an emotional burden on them. I know they love me and want to be here for me. And they always will. But I want to navigate my own storm better. It's time to be a better sailor. 

It's time to stop crying and rekindle my own fire. I don't necessarily believe I have all the answer or will be perfect in the next step. But I forgive myself and appreciate the hard work that my previous self have put in. I do not believed the time I spent studying are a waste. I know that I cannot rush things until they are ready. Everything has its own time. I will study and put in the work. I will prepare better for this upcoming exam. I will revised my preparation. I will check in my coach. I will craved time for study and for myself. I will negotiate my hours to make time for it. On the bright side, I have another year to spend studying internal medicine. I truly believed this will solidify my knowledge for this field and allow me to better a sleep doctor. It will provide with financial freedom to pick and choose a job that best fist my need. I am will be able to practice in both field and choose the best position for myself. My strength lies in my versatility (ability to adapt or be adapted to many different functions or activities). 

I need to take care of myself. My body and mental health are vehicle for my soul. It is my obligation to feed it, give it enough sleeping hours, clothes it well, give it enough water, sunlight, social interaction, love and care. I am only give one body in this world. I know if I take care of myself, I will naturally feel better on my own. It will provide me with a calm and clear head to think through my problems. 

And lastly, I need not to neglect my wants. Running is love, running is life. It has forever better my life. It truly add life to my days. I need to bring back photography. I truly believe in the saying that if you look good, you'll feel good. I need to put more effort in my outfits and dresses. Photoshoot session needs to be reinstalled. I know nobody can make my life better for myself. It all start from within. Many years ago, I change the course of my life by learning how to run in 2018. My step score took off. My emotional regulation got better. Photography has brought self confidence into myself. It broaden my instagram network. And.. it allow me to appreciate of the things I love the most. My journaling helps me reflect and pencil down my thoughts and feeling. I also want give therapy a try. I don't think it hurts to ask for a little extra help in this life. It did my friends a lot of good, maybe it can help me navigate to be better a human being. I don't think it will be a perfect pill, but I could really give it a try.  

A year will fly by very fast. I should start coming up with my study plans. I will incorporate running and healthy eating into my life. I will make time for fashion and photography. I will call my parents. I will check in on mm. I form new social circles and make new friends. 

Healthy Living: No, you cannot give up yet.

 

"My journey in music has staggering highs and lows. I have seasons where I feel like I can’t miss, where I feel quite literally invincible. Then there are seasons where I wonder if I will ever write anything true or special again, whether I have anything to offer, whether I have simply fooled everyone up to this point. I am a positive guy but that just means that I go to war with my head when these doubts attack. The smile is often a smile through some sort of intense struggle. This is normal. This is everyone. If you hear this song and it inspires you to not give up on someone or better yet yourself I am with you. I am vulnerable, weak, unsure, while also being stubborn, hopeful, and optimistic. It’s a package deal." -- Andy Grammer - "Don't Give Up On Me"

I recently postpone my ABIM internal medicine exam. I did so because I realized I was not ready for it. I studied hard for it, carving time during my day off during fellowship, during my month of July, and lastly during august month. About 48hr prior to the exam, I sat myself down and be real to myself. I have review 5/12 organ system. Of which, I have not done any practice questions in the last 7 months. I don't want to be out of touch of reality but I do not believe I am ready for the test. Initially, I was going to take the test given there is no consequence other than the result of failure. But after realizing how behind I am with my study materials, I decided to the cancel the test.

The aftermath of canceling the test made me feel as if I failed it. It brought out all my insecurity. It made me questions about whether I am truly an adequate doctor, whether my current relationship is truly worthy, whether my path and life was a mistakes. I simply want to send in my resignation letter, break my apartment lease, break up my relationship, and run very far away. I am tired and overwhelmed. I am not okay. I tried not to do anything stupid because I don't want to leave my parents of the reality of a life without me.

I am very far away from home. I live alone in a new city with very few little friends. I am often left with my own thoughts and it makes me more sad. I called my mom and she told me I can quit everything and give up and stay with her for sometime.

                                  

I don't want to run away and give up on everything I have built for myself. It took a lot of work for me to get into fellowship and graduate as a sleep medicine doctor. It took a lot of dating and getting to know people before I met someone who I genuinely liked and like me back. Sure, there is still a lot of doubt whether she'll come back into the state or if she is even sure about me. It took a lot of work to find this apartment, find this job, and move from Chicago to the bay area. It took a shit ton of work to study during fellowship for my IM boards and then to study more during my month of July. It was painful to study during the month of August and starting a new job as an attending. It was a lot. I am tired. I am frustrated. And honestly, I think I probably wasted my time this whole time.

I don't want to give up. I'm hurting and I am in pain. I get teary every few hours. I don't feel like eating, its hard to get up in the morning and get out of bed. I don't feel like I want to even talk to the girl I liked. I feel like a failure. I feel inadequate. Maybe this is part of growing up and learning to deal with being uncomfortable.

If you actually break down the things that I go through, non of it is actually "hard". But it is super uncomfortable. To live in a new city with little friend. To be physically far away from the person you are dating. To have to study on top of working. To remind yourself to eat. To be at the end of your training and yet still have a big test looming on top of your head, which you can literally do nothing about until another year to address it. It is super duper uncomfortable. This suck!! And to deal with my internal thoughts who constantly think I'm a failure despite all I have achieved in life. I can barely even sit with myself.

This feels oddly familiar to the time I postpone my MCAT in 2014. I took it once when I was not ready and a achieve a low score. I scrambled to take it again before it changed and only voiding the test after the exam. I sat again for the the 2015 exam and it was the last time I took my MCAT.

Maybe there is something this place is trying to teach me. Maybe this stage of my life that make me feel so oddly isolated is actually growing pain. Something that comes with growing up and building a life for myself. I need to deal with myself while also trying to love others. I need to realized that I am far from where I once was, but not yet what I will become. I want to put less pressure on my parents and be stronger for them.

3 Rule of Resilence

 Resilience: 3 Key to Resilience

— We seem to live in an age where we're entitled to a perfect life where shiny happy photos on Instagram are the norm when actually as you all demonstrated at the start of my talk, the very opposite is true.

1. **Suffering is the part of the every human existence. Knowing this stop you feeling discriminated when the tough times come. Resilience comes from focusing on the things we can change, and somehow accepting the things we cannot.
2. Resilience people are really good at choosing carefully where they select their attention. Habit of realistically appraising situation and managing focusing on things they can change. As human, we are very good at sticking on negative emotions, like velcro. Resilience comes from knowing things are not finite, happiness and sadness are finite in a tangiable duration of time. Hard time are just time that are hard. Acknowledging the good things during tough time has shown by science to be a powerful strategy.
3. —“Don't lose what you have to what you have lost." In psychology, we call this benefit-finding. Make an intentional, deliberate, ongoing effort to tune into what's good in your world.
4. **Number three: Resilient people ask themselves "Is what I'm doing helping or harming me?" This is a question that's used a lot in good therapy and boy is it powerful. — This question can be applied to so many different contexts. Is the way you're thinking and acting, helping or harming you in your bid to get that promotion, to pass that exam, to recover from a heart attack, so many different ways.  
5. ex: “Is this helping you or is it harming you? Put away the photos, go to bed for the night, be kind to yourself."
6. —Asking yourself whether what you're doing, the way you're thinking, the way you're acting is helping or harming you puts you back in the driver's seat. It gives you some control over your decision making.

Inspire by:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NWH8N-BvhAw

Healthy Living: Things I learn from Tiff

 Things I Learned From Tiff

I like a girl for the past 2 months. She ended up ghosting me. It hurts. 

I open with 2 kinds friends today and talked about my feeling. One to encourage to face my rejection. One asked I reflect on my wants and my needs. 

I have once again liked someone who does not liked me. I wanted to reflect on reason why I rejected other people. I have rejected girls in the past because I did not like they way they looked. So I only dated girls who I was physically attractive too. And I had higher success of catching feelings but then found that the girl I went after did not liked me. 

I may not be the best cultivators of words tonight. But I do not want to rest until I have written all that I have learn with my experience with Tiffany. 

-Communication: Through my time with tiff, I find that she resembles Jan in many ways. One specific factors that I didn't come to realized that is a deal breaker for is someone who is willing to open up and talk about their emotions and problems. No matter how smart or resources for I am, I cannot work in the dark. I am not a mind reader. When I was young, I always taught about what is bothering me and my problems to my parents. I raised to open up and share my concern. As I grow older, I realized life is hard and to live and survive together, I believed one need to communicate with their partner. I want a partner who is willing to communicate with me. I want someone to open up and share with me their struggles and hard time. 

-Different life path: I admire someone who carries a different life path then mine. I value their perspective and views they bring to the table. I do not look down on someone who is married before, someone who did not go to college, someone who was not raised in a well off family, someone who has been in neglected childhood. I do not discriminate someone base on their past. But I hold them accountable for their behavior today. I understand everyone has short coming but we cannot use our past as a clutch to explain for bad and hurt behavior to others. I appreciate their willingness to change and striving on working to improve. 

-Feminity: I realized that you don't have to dress like a man to be the dominent one in the relationship. I realized dominent and masculity are two different things. I realized I can wear a skirt, heels, be perfective with makeup, and yet still be the person who leads. 

-Physical Attraction: I realized I can't catch feelings for people I am not physically attracted too. I understand that there are many different type of attraction. Someone are attracted to looks, other to personality, others to the mind. I realized physical attraction is still a key part for my heart to develops feelings. I have fallen for every girl I found physically attracted to. And I have turned down all the girls because they are not. 

I wrote down a list today of what my brain wants and what my heart wants. I narrowed it down to 4 things that is non-negotiable between the 2 teams. 

1. Ability to communicate one's emotions and the willingness to open up during hard and difficult times 

2. Honesty 

3. No Drugs/ No Jail

4. Physical Attractiveness 

After creating this list, I look long and hard at the girls that I have dated. I realized that of all the girls I fallen for, only 1 met all criteria. Her name is Sarah. She did not have feeling for me. 

Then I pulled myself under the microscope to see if I possess all of these factors and I realized I do not. Of the 4 traits I menioned, I do not believed I met the physical attractiveness part. In another alternative universe, I would not have dated myself. 

I never forgot that Jan once called me "Ugly and stupid" in the time of spit. I am no longer stupid. But sometime, I question if I am ugly. Innately, I cannot change the face and body features that my parents gave me. But I can faulter myself for not being more vain. I am not very feminen. I don't dress very well when I go out. Looking at myself in the mirror, I dressed to be more comfortable to look presentable or favorable to others. Eventhough my heart is in the right place, I look sure does not. 

I realized I like these edgy, non-safe, badass girls is because in some way, I aspire to be like them. I like Sarah willing to try new things, to go to raves, to go to concerts and party. I like tiff because she falls in similar lines. I like it when you don't play it safe and you don't always fall within the lines. Now, I do know my boundaries and I am aware of the health I possessed. But I realized why I am drawn to these type of girls, maybe it was something I lacked. Maybe I feel the grass maybe is greener on the other side. 

Though, I do want to improve on certain things about myself. I like to become more feminene, dress better and play to my strength. I am aware that there are days i liked to look like a tomboy. But feminity is a strength that I do possess and I want to play my cards well. I want to look better, become more physically attractive, and dress more feminine. 

And I ask myself, what am I? I am a work in progress. 

Last, I want to cherish a special friend tonight who really gave me some good, insight advice about my relationship. She been through 12 relationship and countless romantic encounters. But hey, she struggles too with her own demons. I wrote a little bit about her. "Because of her depression, it creates opportunity for her to cultivate a special skill that allows her to be perceptive of her feelings and feelings of other. I have never met someone with an emotional IQ as high as hers."

Healthy living: Growth in love

 

I have a theory. 

Today, I had a thought about relationship. I came across a story of a falling apart romance between an androgenous girl and her beautiful girlfriend. Through reading about their story, I feel like I could take away a few point from their relationship. 

Through her relationship, it made me think of two special lesson: 

#1) Self growth does not stop with a relationship. A investment in yourself is journey of a lifetime regardless of the partners that we share our path with. We can easily lose ourself in the relationship and others, and this will be our downfall. Life is about growth and becoming best version of ourself. We grow by ourself and we grow with each other. I think that should be a better recipe for success. 

#2) We cannot blame other for the loss of our relationship. It take takes 2 to build a loving relationship. When it falls apart, it may be impacted by external factors. However, to neglect our responsibility to making it work or putting in effort can also be a short coming. A collapse of a relationship mark a hallmark of a possible unstable core? I honestly don't know and in all honestly, I hope I am spare from it. Love is already very hard as it is right now. 

But then again, this is written by someone who hasn't been in a long term relationship. So, just my 2 cents. 

Healthy Living: The dating theory

 I have a theory. 

Now, a lot has changed since the last time I wrote. I moved away from California and now residing in a new state. Its very different here from where I was at home. Beside from that, I also had met interesting people back in california prior to leaving. Love and lost once again. I really like the dear girl. I still think about her from time to time but have made a conscious decision to move on. She has her own hurtle to overcome and in some ways I wonder if I will ever see her again. The medical field is very small so there is a good chance I might. Who knows...

But that brings me to a theory on love and relationship. When I try to start dating this in new state, I wonder whether I am really ready to meet the love of my life. I mean, its the end goal right? But my experience in dating in California has changed my perspective. I believe that when one set out on a journey to date other people, yes the end goal is to find the one. But its only one part of the story. The other part of the story entitles all the lovers we meet along the way. The one we loved, the one we reject, the one that rejects us. The up and downs of pursuing love. It is all part of the journey. Just as we our decision shaped the journey, the journey in some way shape us. I feel we all need to have go through people and experience like questions problems on a chemistry book. With each problem solved and experience lived, we come one step closer. I guess, the stories continues.

Corner Wall: Dear Katie

 Dear Katie, 

You left early. We were supposed to see each other this December. Angela and Shanon said they will come visit you too. I was going to bring you flowers and food. You are such a foodie! You left too soon, old friend. 

But I know you had to go. You didn't leave too early, you left on time. You have been suffering this whole year. I watched you coped with your own death and passing. You spoke with wisdom, grace, and acceptance. 

You already know how much you meant to me. I am glad I had a chance to remind you of the kindness you shown me in this lifetime. You drove to my house ever Thursday to drag me to the gym during my depression prior to medical school. You bought me those workout clothes for christmas so that why I could workout more. I still have them. You celebrated with me when I got my first acceptance letter to medical school. You were there for me when I was no one. You believed in me when I didn't see it in myself. 

Who knew our 20 years of friendship had ended so abruptly. With help from close friends, I learned to cope with your passing. I believed you have done all the things you needed to do, and its time you transition to the next step. I don't believe our friendship will ever end. I will see you again someday, old friend. I promised to tell you all the of my adventures! And you have to tell me all the things you encounters, things that my mind has yet comprehend. 

The kindness and friendship you have given me will always stay in my heart and memory.