Healthy Living: Progress

 "Love may build bridges, but grief apparently takes down walls." - youtube

Vanity Affairs: April's road

 

I feel like a mess. 

It's been a month since the break up. I still feel like a mess. I think my therapist hates me. But then again, I don't think I am making her job easy given how much things I'm going through right now. 

I feel burn out. There are y when I feel like I can't do it anymore. The day that I do work, there so much to do. The day that I do read, there so much study to be read. And on the days that I need to study, there is still so much to study. I feel like ahhh.. I just have so much going on. On top of that, I have this broken heart. This sense of helplessness within my self. The question of am I worth loving? Am I broken? Am I capable of keeping a loving and warm relationship? AM I TOO MUCH?

And then, I remember when Minh thanh told me when she was board prepping, "I think anyone in this stage feels like this." I thought that was very enlightening. To understand one's hardship and to give one credits to feel the way one feels. I felt almost validated in some when I remember her quote. 

It is reasonale to feel stress and burn out because I am simply working 2 jobs. I am working 3-4 full days. Afterward, I am grinding hard for the lat 2-3 days. If I'm lucky, I will have an hour gym time and may 30 minutes of PG deconstruction class. Really, I think anyone in my position would feel like this. And to top it off, I'm feel lonely since she was gone. Her leaving me really shattered my confidence. I really love her and to face this rejection was so much to bear. 

I remember standing at her front door knocking on the day of the break up. I though to myself, well, if this it, then it is what it is. It is usually my gut feeling telling me that I lost. Its like all my rejections in my life. I know when I did well and I know when I flopped. 

On another note, my good friend help lit a candle within me. I got work to do. I have PG deconstruction. I have outfits to wear. Fashion idea I still need to search. Skin care to learn. There are still things to do even after she is gone. If anything, there is so much more things to do now that she left. 

I am reinventing myself again. 

Vanity Affairs: So plant your own gardens

 There was a poem I read from yasmin's blog many years ago. I loved it when I read it. I still remember it to this day. I wonder if the person who had cause her such pain and sadness. And with new dawn, she came to the realization and move forward. 

I am truly sorry I broke her heart. It was a lie I could no longer lived. I will repay her in my next life. 

This last quotes was what I remember of hers. 

Vanity Affairs: Self improvement - PG Deconstruction

 

I want to improve on myself. When I look into the mirror, it is hard to imaged what I need to change. Maybe I have seen myself so many time that I feel normal to look this way. But then again, I want to improve on myself. I feel comfortable being me. I have came a long way in term of looks.. I lost weight. I dyed my hair. I am trying to figure outfits. But still.. something still feel like I'm lacking. 

I want to superficial pretty. Let's forget inner beauty for the next few months. Let's get vain. 

Things that I think I can be better.. IF I CANNOT DATE A PRETTY, I'M GOING TO BE THAT PRETTY GIRL! 

If you can't beat them, let's join them. So.. how to be a pretty girl. This is some topic off the top of my head:

1. Skin care
2. Make-up (and KNOW how to apply them.. )
3. The Hair
4. The slim body
5. Outfits

That's it. I think.. 

But now, the only way to improve is (1) Get result (2) Get.a.brutally.honest.audience. 

I need to figure out how to make this possible. Now, I need to make a notion page to set up these corner stone. 

Vanity Affairs: The new start

 

After my recent breakup, I felt so lost. It made me have a lot of insecurity. I felt maybe she broke up with me because I wasn't pretty enough or she got tired of me. I wasn't sure, but I feel very insecure about my looks and my womanly physic. 

It doesn't really matter now what has happen. It matter that this is my new reality. People told me I should focus on myself and learn to love myself. Give it time, focus on self improvement, and live life. 

So, this is my attempts to improve myself. I am tired of thinking about my breakup. I am tired of spiraling every single time I have a though of her. The dear girl is gone, but my brain and my heart can't seem to leave me alone. 

Everything reminds me of her. It suck so bad. 

But okay, the real reason for this post to is to start something new. I want to put the past behind me. I want to make my little girl happy. I always wanted to be an attractive and pretty girl. I been nerd for so long in my life that I sometime find it hard to figure out to how to an attractive pretty girl. 

So okay, I been wanting to work on this project for the longest time. 

I want to learn the art of being beautiful. I don't mean inner beauty. I want vanity. I want to look so good that when I walk in the room, people notice me. I want to play on my feminem features. I want that typical instagram beauty. I want to look like an attractive girl and exude the confidence. I am not doing this for any other girl. I want to do this for myself so that I will never forget myself in my next relationship.

I would like to call this next chapter: The Vanity Affairs. 

Healthy Living: This too shall pass

 Last night when I was rearranging my bedroom. It was something I wanted to do to bring new changes to my life. 

I realized that ..

-The girl I love has left my life. 

-I am alone in this new city. 

-I have a board exam coming up in 6 months

Healthy Living: Picking back up the pieces

 

As you read from the previous post regarding the details of our conversation, it is clear that the post was a word vomit of everything that happen. No analysis, no perspective, but just straight recall of the events. 

I really don't know if I can analyze it tonight. There is just so much to unpack in our relationship. What was going with our fights? When was the fight? Why did we break up? Why didn't we stick it out and try again with new changes? Why? 

In the past 3-4 days since the break up, I have really close myself up to exploring the events of the breakup or spent too much time thinking about the reason for the break up in our relationship. It took everything I have just to bear with the pain. I still had to go to work. I still have to feed myself. I still have to live. And just bearing the thoughts that we were over and that the relationship was over is all I could handle. I simply just wanted to let thing be. And just, feel the emotions. I was not ready to unpack. 

I am barely able to tell close friends and family about the break up. The break up and the ending of the relationship still haunts me. I can't believe she is really gone. Someone I call and text almost every day suddenly just disapeared from my life. It was as if nothing we did togeth really matter. Its just a cold silent blank emptiness of space and silent. The void she left behind in my life.

She was one of the biggest reason why I moved to SF. To be with her. And there I am, not more than 6 months into the city, we broke up. She left. Now, the only thing keeping me here is my job. 

It's so shocking how easily someone can leave and walk out your life. Someone so important, and yet, they are gone. Completely disappeared. 

.. I missed her. What I would give to be back with her. To text her. To see her on the weekend. To know I have a girlfriend that I am so proud to show off to the world. Someone I can share my thoughts and my fears, my hope and my dreams. The funny moments we spend together. 

..and she is gone. Like that, she left. 

.. Grief has been a constant company in me since she left. Grief was there on the first day after the break up, Sunday. Then Monday came. And Tuesday happen. I lost sleep. I felt like I lost my mind. I tried to keep it together at work but the pain still seep in. 

I'm tired. I want to sleep. Tomorrow is Wednesday. Another day after the breakup. 

I have decided that after my job, I will go buy hiking shoes. I am going to a meet up this Sunday to hike a group of people. Hopefully this goes okay.