I don't know where to start.
I find it funny how I always come back to this blog when I'm sad. I guess I like to blog about sad things? well.. I hope that's not the case. I think a lot of things are falling apart for me right now. I know.. i say this a lot .. but then again, it feel like it.
As summer started, I made several changes to my life. And.. a lot of things happen since I have last blogged.
1. I got my report card today. Wow.. it was bad. By far my worst quarter ever. I got 2 B- on my 2 core classes. I don't know what I should do. Usually, I would cry... but this time, I didn't want to cry. Because, crying doesn't do anything, and to be honest.. it doesn't hurt that much. Maybe because, right now, my worse pain and worry isn't for my grades. I'll need to find my inner spark again. I'm burn out and tired.
2. I force myself to forget my crush. And this one hurts like hell. I think my crush everyday. I miss them so so much that sometime.. it hurts. T__T I know.. pathetic. But it's my feeling, and therefore, it's precious to me. I know why I walked out.. and I know why I'm never coming back. It's been a week since I texted my crush. I miss that person like crazy. But I'll be okay.
3. I am currently struggling. I am confused about my future and my identity. I don't know what I want to be. I always thought I wanted to be a doctor.. and maybe I still do. But sometime, I question whether I'm worthy enough. I don't know if I have capability to get to med school. With my grades like this.. I think I'll never make it in. I don't know. I'm just feel like things are falling apart for me in this department. My dream...I'm not gonnna let this one get away.
4. My weight. Omg.. my weight is bad. I am at 131 right now. I think.. It slip. I don' tknow how but it slip this spring quarter. My grades dropped.. and I gained weight. SO now.. all my relative is bagging on my about my weight. Seriously, I need to stop myself from eating. But I don't know, I tried to practice healthy living.. but sometime, I don't even care. I deserved it. I know i do. I deserved the consequences.
So.. that is my story. These are the problem that is pulling me down. Maybe for some of you, it may not be much, but for me.. it's pretty big. And I don't know how to solve it. It's taking over my life.. and making me sad. But I'm not gonna let it pull be down. Everything around me ..all my goals and dream.. seem to be falling apart. Even my weight and my love life. But when things fall apart, it give me a chance to put things together in the way I always wanted to be. So, I will take this situation as an opportunity to improve in my life.
You know what.. I never like being stuck around 125 lbs. Because.. I always thought 115 lbs fit me a little better :) ..and I never like.. my B+ grades. Because I thought I was always meant to get Straight A's!! :) ..I could use a 3.8 GPA.. and a high MCAT score. And, I don't need my crush. They aren't perfect, I'll find someone who will be more suitable for me..
This is my chance to pick myself up.. and put all the pieces together again. I think I need to do a little rearrangment to make things work. I have so much I want to do.. and I am a dreamer sometime. If you read my blog, by now, you know I like to talk big. And I do.. because when I'm down.. I need to talk big to raise up my ego.. and give me hope that things will get better and that I have the power to change things.
It's how I keep myself going through the hard time. I don't believe that anything is impossible. I believe everything is possible. It just take a lot of work and some time.
Because, after all, my title quote did say: "Far from what I once was, but not yet what I wanted to be."
I hope you are all well! :)
Out of my head- Ben Rector:
Let's sing away our tears.. and forget all the pain and sorrow, and pray and hope for a better day, for a better tomorrow.
I wish I knew more to say other than I'm sorry. But there really isn't much more to say! I know you're sad over your weight, but really, you're not too far off and if you really focused on that, it would be gone before you know it! If you could take all of that energy from your crush and your feeling sad and channel it into that, into something positive, it would make a HUGE difference in how you FEEL.
ReplyDeleteAs for your grades, well, I so don't think you did bad! I think a B+ is darn good in college! I think you just need to take a break, re-evaluate, and do what is best for you. In the end, I think you will figure it out and be able to continue on feeling refreshed and renewed because you took some time to focus on you and your health.
As for the crush... I know how hard that is. I do. But if you feel you're doing the right thing, then you have to keep moving forward KNOWING it will get better. ((hugs)) Don't give up on yourself and keep finding all of those pieces and get yourself together!
Nursing school was a very humbling experience for me. I was that straight A student and getting C's or Ds was a hard pill to swallow during my first quarter. But I've learned that it's not about grades or how well we do things. It's about caring and being the source of strength for patients who needs us during their weakest moments. I think that's a quote I read somewhere, but I'm sure it applies to all healthcare profession. And it totally gave me a different outlook to things. So grades is grades so don't beat yourself up (I know I do sometimes) when it's the "perfect".
ReplyDeleteAs far as your crush, I can only say is that the best way to get over it is (that is if you want to) is time and possibly another distraction.
But being sad and depressed about is not going to do anything but take you farther to your goals.
It's easy to concentrate on loving others that we forget loving our ownselves. So you can do this my friend! Stay strong <3