I went to San Francisco this spring break. It is definitely out of the ordinary. I honestly don't do this kind of thing. But for once, I just needed to get out. Or at least, get away.
I failed my Neuro Exam. I'm scared. I burned out 2 weeks ago and also failed my OMM midterm practical. I don't know honestly, I just feel terrible, and I really needed to get away.
One of my friend was kind of enough to travel with me. She took time off work to go with me, and I am forever gateful. I spent 4 days and 3 nights there. It was super amazing. We visited most of the iconic places, and really explore as much as possible. I also spent one of those day with my friends from med school, and it was really amazing. We hiked at one of the girls hometown, and also visited San Francisco inner cities. It was really something.
The trip was extremely refreshing and definitly something I needed. It was so amazing. And I still manage to have some time to stay at home and be with my parents. It worked out great, and I had an amazing time. It made me forget about school and my failed classes and my upcoming responsibilities.
I am still terribly dissapointed about my Neuro Exam. I really don't know what to do. I need to reacessed and see what went wrong. I am so sad. I don't know what to think of it anymore other than cry. I couldn't really cry. I don't know. I just don't know why tears didn't come out. Maybe because I am so god damn tired. Or at least, it not over yet. But there so much greater tears. This is not yet the time to cry. I don't know, maybe I'm just stupid.
Despite it all, I still feel terrible though. I feel terrible. I really do, and its eating me. And Now, I am even more fearful of my OMM practical + written final + ECM. I am scared and I dont' really know what to do.
That was what the San Francisco trip did to me. It helped me forget. Now, it is time to really get back to work and solved these issue. I don't knkow the answer and I am fearful.
If things turn for the worst, what would happen to me? Will I be okay? Will I passed? There are so many questions, and there are so many things I am pounding my heart out to answer.
And really, I dont' know. I simply don't. It feels terrible.
Unlike other blog, I simply don't have the answer for you tonight about what I am planning to do. I guess the best way to ward off the fears, the restlessness, the unforeseen future is to do something.. anything.
Maybe I should first tried to cried. Go see my exam, and ask myself why I got those questions wrong. Then, I will reach out my councelors. Ask for tutoring from Lead. Be honest to my friends that I have to study. Focus. Use more flashcard. Echo. Do more memorizing + understanding the lecture. There is a lot of nickpicky things, and also all those damn trend. Request sometime alone to see my test.
I don't know. I just feel terrible. Nothing can really make it better other than progress. I really don't know how to study, I really don't know how to put things together, and be efficient with my time. I feel like a complete failure. God damn it. This post is JUST PLAN TERRIBLE.
Things I would like to do:
1. Cried. Repent. Get this terrible feeling out.
2. Go see my exam, see what and why i got it wrong
3. Contact councilors + lead tutors
4. Echo.
5. Flashcard everyday. At least 1 deck just to run through
6. Keep up with my outlines
7. Keep up with the Lectures.
8. Practice little bit of OMM everyday.
9. Do ECM flashcards (10 cards per day)
The moral of the story: is I don't know why I failed. I need to do some research. Ask for help and don't be shy that I failed the test. I have to own up to my mistakes and failure, and really try to find another way. I'm really scared. All the "what if". But I can't I have to move. I have to do something.
I really didn't intended this post to be this downright depressing. It just happen. I guess this was the story I truly want to write, the story I truly want to tell. And I had all these really happy pictures from my San Francisco trip.
Oh well, I guess, I should still post it. For all its worth, the moment was truly special.
I pray that phat will guide my footsteps.
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