Today, we will talk about everything. I have been feeling unhappy for the past few weeks. I don't believed it is one single event that prompted this. It complies of a lot of different factors.
First, The Match. This past few weeks, I have been writing letter of interest to programs to show my curiosity in their fellowship. But I was met with a lot no-response or rejections. I realized that I have emailed these letters too late. I should have done it sooner.
Second, I submitted my ranklist. In the time of uncertainty, I wonder where I will be in the next few years. I would like to be with family in California, and I hope I will be able to do so. Not knowing about my future give makes me not at peace.
Third, I recently been talking to someone. She is a good girl and met most criteria that I had for someone. I went on 2 dates with her and realized that she was not a good fit for me. There wasn't anything she did wrong, its just certain things I wanted did not aligned with her. I feel miserable for not being able to have feelings for her or feel excited or happy around her. I feel miserable not wanting to hang out with her. I wanted more out of a partner.
Fourth, I am trying to figure out of I still harbor feelings for the girl that came before this one. I think about her a lot and the conversation we had. I still wanted to be friend with her, but I truly don't understand my intention about this. I am on the fence whether to reach out to her again.
Fifth, I am feeling burnout with my online dating life. I feel like I matched with people. There is a lot of hello and a lot of goodbye. Sometime, I don't know if I'm able to keep up with the emotional turmoil. I sometime wonder if I will be able to find someone for me. As I grow older, I realized it is harder to find a partner. Plus, I like girls, which also limited the candidates. But I can't change who I am and what I want. But don't forget, straight people has a hard time finding a partner too. Just because the pool is larger, doesn't mean its easier. If anything, the number of choices can blind you from the right one.
Sixth, My old childhood is dying. She grasp her own mortality with such bravery. I never lost a close friend to death before. I am having a hard time accepting it.
Okay, enough is enough. Let's solved this, or attempt to.
First - The Match: Lesson learned. I will send letter of interest sooner. I hope I may not have to resort to this.
Second - The ranklist: Uncertainty is part of life. Participating in the fellowship application entitles hardship and uncertainty. It is an emotional process too. It entitles everything one would have during the process of being evaluated, interviewed, and selected. But I think it will be worth it. I would not have done this if I didn't think it will benefit my future.
Third: My old mentor said something that I really value. She shared an experience where she dated a man who she dreamt she broke up with in her dream. And when she woke up, she felt so sad that it was just a dream. Just because someone met the bar minimum criteria does not mean they are meant for you. It just mean that everyone who path cross withe me and fall into my selection will have these minimun criteria. My friend once said it's okay to reject kind people. I don't think it make you a bad person, because you pushed them to go a find someone better fitted for them.
Fourth: I will contact her at an appropriate time.
Fifth: I should change my approach to dating and meeting people. I should think of it as finding more people that fall within my interest. My old mentor gave me this analogy: If you were in a room of 100 people and you only have 5 hours to find the one for you. How would you approach it?
Sixth: I am still processing.
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