So, I'm back on track again! :)
I went to the gym today and work my butt off and burned 500 calories.. Oh, I'm exhausted.
Also, I spent sometime reflecting about my mistakes in the past quarter and I realize that I need to do a lot of things to amend for the wrongs I have committed. I broke the troubles down into 4 parts: I plan to solved every parts by the end of summer.
So far, I have come up with a temporary solution for all 4 of my problems. I already #2: about my crush.
I am in the process of solving #1 and #3. I am going to spend this week planing for my whole summer. I don't start school again until late september so this will give me sometime to get myself back together and give myself a head start in school. As for my weight, I'm working on it. I still need to do some planning in that department too. I need to set goals!
Also, for #4, this is the hardest. I think I'll spend summer reflecting about my future and myself. I can't really rush this process, it just have to come to me naturally. I hope it comes.. hahah xD In the meantime, I'll try to talk to more people, read more books, and get more perspective on this matter.
As for weight, this brings me to my main concern.
I realize that this next month, I will be hanging out with my family and friends alot. And this mean a lot of eating out, and eating unhealthy food. I don't want to be a party pooper and say no to my friend. But I also don't want to eat unhealthy food. I guess, my best bet right now, is just to "dodge the bullet". Which is basically, always be concious about my food choices and avoid unhealthy option whenever I am choosing food on the menu. I can't avoid spending time with my family and fiends. But I can avoid eating unhealthy like them. I will have to go out of my way to watch my weight this summer! Game on!
I hope you are all well! :)
Check Out my week count:
It's not much. But it's a start! :) I hope to continue this!
I don't know where to start.
I find it funny how I always come back to this blog when I'm sad. I guess I like to blog about sad things? well.. I hope that's not the case. I think a lot of things are falling apart for me right now. I know.. i say this a lot .. but then again, it feel like it.
As summer started, I made several changes to my life. And.. a lot of things happen since I have last blogged.
1. I got my report card today. Wow.. it was bad. By far my worst quarter ever. I got 2 B- on my 2 core classes. I don't know what I should do. Usually, I would cry... but this time, I didn't want to cry. Because, crying doesn't do anything, and to be honest.. it doesn't hurt that much. Maybe because, right now, my worse pain and worry isn't for my grades. I'll need to find my inner spark again. I'm burn out and tired.
2. I force myself to forget my crush. And this one hurts like hell. I think my crush everyday. I miss them so so much that sometime.. it hurts. T__T I know.. pathetic. But it's my feeling, and therefore, it's precious to me. I know why I walked out.. and I know why I'm never coming back. It's been a week since I texted my crush. I miss that person like crazy. But I'll be okay.
3. I am currently struggling. I am confused about my future and my identity. I don't know what I want to be. I always thought I wanted to be a doctor.. and maybe I still do. But sometime, I question whether I'm worthy enough. I don't know if I have capability to get to med school. With my grades like this.. I think I'll never make it in. I don't know. I'm just feel like things are falling apart for me in this department. My dream...I'm not gonnna let this one get away.
4. My weight. Omg.. my weight is bad. I am at 131 right now. I think.. It slip. I don' tknow how but it slip this spring quarter. My grades dropped.. and I gained weight. SO now.. all my relative is bagging on my about my weight. Seriously, I need to stop myself from eating. But I don't know, I tried to practice healthy living.. but sometime, I don't even care. I deserved it. I know i do. I deserved the consequences.
So.. that is my story. These are the problem that is pulling me down. Maybe for some of you, it may not be much, but for me.. it's pretty big. And I don't know how to solve it. It's taking over my life.. and making me sad. But I'm not gonna let it pull be down. Everything around me ..all my goals and dream.. seem to be falling apart. Even my weight and my love life. But when things fall apart, it give me a chance to put things together in the way I always wanted to be. So, I will take this situation as an opportunity to improve in my life.
You know what.. I never like being stuck around 125 lbs. Because.. I always thought 115 lbs fit me a little better :) ..and I never like.. my B+ grades. Because I thought I was always meant to get Straight A's!! :) ..I could use a 3.8 GPA.. and a high MCAT score. And, I don't need my crush. They aren't perfect, I'll find someone who will be more suitable for me..
This is my chance to pick myself up.. and put all the pieces together again. I think I need to do a little rearrangment to make things work. I have so much I want to do.. and I am a dreamer sometime. If you read my blog, by now, you know I like to talk big. And I do.. because when I'm down.. I need to talk big to raise up my ego.. and give me hope that things will get better and that I have the power to change things.
It's how I keep myself going through the hard time. I don't believe that anything is impossible. I believe everything is possible. It just take a lot of work and some time.
Because, after all, my title quote did say: "Far from what I once was, but not yet what I wanted to be."
I hope you are all well! :)
Out of my head- Ben Rector:
Let's sing away our tears.. and forget all the pain and sorrow, and pray and hope for a better day, for a better tomorrow.
Summer is here! :)
I'm finally done with finals! ^___^ hahaha
And.. as summer come, it come with a bitter sweet ending. I walk into summer with a heavy heart, but I would not to choose any other way.
I understand it has been a long time since have posted. But, now I would like to catch you up with the stages of my life.
School Life:
Well, I can say, I'm burn out. I tried my best. I know I didn't get the best grades this quarter, but I'm kinda tired. Emotionally along as physically. I haveen been in school consequitively for 2 years straight. No summer break or anything. I'm worned out. But in a way, despite that I didn't pull the best grades this quarter. I'm not that sad or down because I learn something else this quarter. I experience something that rarely occurs to me. I feel in love and I learn what its like to have feeling for someone.
Love Life:
I can only describe it in 1 word. "WOW" yea. I know. It's quite unbelievable. I would never expect my spring quarter to be this exciting... I started spring quarter thinking I would get over my crush. I would brush them off by week 1 of school, and never ever be in contact with them again. Well, that didn't go as plan. The twist of fate somehow made us come closer together. Things happens and I find myself getting closer and closer to my crush. To the point.. I have to force myself on a 2nd attempt to let go of my crush on week 3 of school. That time didn't last long because I miss them like crazy. And, my grades dropped. So, I had to do something, I had to get myself emotionally stable so I can focus in school.
And, by wk 6, we were back at it. I was text my crush almost everyday. There is always something to be said despite that we rarely meet up in person on 1 to 1. We had coffee at starbuck and both were happy and nervous. :) But there are many occassion when I just accidnetly bumped into my crush at school. And, yes, we had late night conversation.. too x) haha. There is a day when we spent nearly 4 hours talking to each other on facebook.. we talked till 3 AM in the morning? haha
And there was that night when my crush open up to me about their feeling and their personality. We tried to make promises to be good friend, but I said I couldn't make promise I wasn't able to keep. My crush was sad, but it's okay. We're okay. And there was the week of finals. We texted each almost everyday despite that we were both extremely busy and lack of sleep. And there was a day, when out of the blue.. we just sat and talk to each other for straight 3 hours.. and it seem like none of us was satisfied. We just wanted more more. hahaha x)
But, it's all over now. We were to meet up this week and get icecream together. But, that's not gonna happen. I won't let that happen. I deleted my crush phone number yesterday. I removed them off my facebook newsfeed. I'm going to try spending this summer letting go of my crush. I told myself wk 6 that I'm coming back to my crush only for the reason that I can focus on school. when school is over, I promise myself I leave. And, so I'm walking out now.
We cant' be together. There's just too much complication. Too much..because people are going to be hurt if we're together. And, even now, I'm not even sure how my crushed feel for me. But, I'm willing to let it all go now.
Summer Plans:
I have a lot of plans this summer. THere is a lot of things I want to do. But, i'll tell you as the time comes. As for now, I'm just gonna let myself relax, enjoy summer.. and WORK HARD TO LOSE ALL THE LBS I GAINED DURING FINALS WEEK !!! xD
Here's a nice song.. to kick start the summer.. and say goodbye to spring:
I dedicate this to my crush. Eventhough, there's no future for us, I'm glad it happen. I'm glad that they came into my life. Eventhough, it was short.. it was sweet. I wouldn't have it any other way. :)
I know.. I have been very inactive for the last 2 weeks. I didn't even update my weekly weight. I know.. that's really bad. But right now, my weight kinda went out the window. I bought 3lbs of chocolate today. and I think I already about a bls. yes yes, that' is bad.
But I been having less than 4 hours of sleep for the last few days so it's kinda hard to keep myself awake. But it's okay, I'm gonna do what I have to do and prepared for finals. Afterward, it's gonna be the gym for the next 3 months! :)
I hope everyone is doing well on their weightloss and helathy living experiences.
So, this weeks proves to be better than last week. Actually, it was a lot better than last week! :)
I made some changes to my schedule. I am able to concentrate on my studies and I am no longer in a depression.... x) Actually, sometime, I feel like I'm on the opposite spectrum of a depression. Hahaha ^__^
Okay, I admit I am a bit happy this week. First off, I was still sad over my grades but I'm changing it right now and I'm putitng more time into studying. I can finally concentrate in my studies which makes me really happy. I haven't feel this focus in a while since the depression.
As for my emotional, I like I'm going on a roller coaster. I been talking to my crush lately, and things are going well ^__^ I can't be happier! We are meeting up this weekend to go get a drink :) Hahaha. Sometime, I feel like my head is in the clouds these days. But I need to realize that there is no future for me and my crush. We're just friend. That's it. Just friend. And, I'm doing what I'm doing so I can stay focus on school and avoid the depression. But once summer comes, I'm gonna let all of this go and get over this person once for all.. or at least I'll try.
My weight have also improving. I lose 1lbs! :) It's not much, but it's something. I just need to keep this progress up. I been eating right.. and trying to stay within my calories limit. But I still have food coma sometime and that still bothers me. But over well, i'll update later. I am gonna be late for school! :) I can't wait to read what you guys are up too!! ^__^
Well, this week was a dissapointment. I think I'm going to list out everything that didn't go well, so I can see what is really bothering me...
1. Failed Ochem midterm
2. Weight is now 131 lbs.. damn.
3. Didn't do so well on bio midterm
4. Can't concentrate in school
5. Still living w/ a broken heart
6. Made parents dissapointed
7. A whole mess of uncomplete hw to do..
8. kinda lost all hope
9. No motivation.. all is lost
10. photoshoot? ..didn't bother
Things are not going right. Things suck right now. I want to cry.
Here's a song: Bad Day
I didn't just have a bad day. I had a bad week. ...okay!
I'm not going to cry. I'm not going to give up. I'm not going to lose.
Right, everything in that list up there is all my fault. I am my own dimised. I didn't do the things that I should do, and in the end, I derserved the consequenes. This bad week was not a natural disaster. It was my own doing. It was my neglection, my laziness, my irresponsibility. It was my fault, and mine alone. And, I would really like to kick myself right now for getting my butt in this mess.
But, I admit I made mistakes. And there is no point sitting here hating myself for it. I got myself in this mess. I'm going to get myself out of it. One. step.. at a time.
---------------------------------------------------------- WHY I FAILED:
Grades:
Well, My failed midterms were result of my lack of dedication in school recently. I lost motivation. I lost that drive. Well, it's not that I lost that my passion for bio. It's just my mind was clouded with other issue. Namingly, I missed my crush. Yes, pathetic. But I was in a depression, I was trying to get over my crush by cutting all contact with my crush for 3 weeks straight. It was terrible b/c I had a very very hard time. And, I couldn't concentrate. And schooll.. seem like a little matter compare to the heartache I felt. Yes, pathetic. I know. But at least, I'm truthful.
Weight:
Well, you see.. I haven't been focus on my weight recently. I still go the gym but I eat over my calories limit. I don't put much emphasism on watchign my weight as much as I should. I neglect activites which I normally would participate to lose weight and keep myself healthy. I been eating chocolate.. Yes. I'm a sinner T___T It's my fault because I was depressed, and chocolate taste good. It make my depression less bitter and more sweet. Lol.
Task:
I am behind. Completely behind. I don't do things that I should I sit around .. in my depression little bubble. I don't concentrate. I just lack motivation. I'm just depressed all in general and I don't do anything that I should be doing. I sit around and thing.. and reflect on my life.
--------------------------------------------------- WHAT I AM GOING TO DO DIFFERENT:
[BALANCE] DEALING WITH DEPRESSION:
Grades:
I love my major. I wouldn't trade it for the world. I'm a biological Science major! I love the subjects that I am studying. My passion has not die, it was NEVER gone in the first place. It's just.. got overwelm by my depression. I guess the reason is that I missed my crush too much to concentrate in school? Well, either way, this isn't healthy. I need to get over this person. But they have too much effect for on my emotion. SO, I guess it's not wise to get try and get over this person while.. finals is about to come up.
Summer is 4 weeks away. All I need to concentrate and do well on my final for the next 4 weeks and I can save my grades. But if that is going to work, I need to stop be in my depression. I decided to not cut communication with my crush. I'm going to text them again.. and be friends with them. I'll keep them close to me for awhile. This way, it will calm my depression down. I just need to get through this 4 weeks, and when summer hit, I'll cut all communication with my crush. And I can spend summer in a depression. But not now, I can't afford it. I need my grades.
Weight:
OKAY. Every since I suffered with my sexuality, I guess I didn't care about my weight at all. But now, I'm confident of who I am. I need to focus on my weight again. Depression won't be a problem because I already have a solution for it. Now, I just need to learn to be consistent.
I currently suffered with Food Coma in the morning. It's pretty bad and it make me fatter and laziner. I need to figure out a way to stop this. I can't let this problem continue! I need to BE ON MY BUTT AND CONSTANTLY REMIND MYSELF!! ( i guess, I need to be more weight conscious!)
What I need to do:
- Walk a fast at school
-8 glass of water
-drink a cup of water before every meal
-Daily Calories Record:
-Watch the sweet & fatty food that I eat.
Task:
I learned that music really help keep my mind off things and I can do task without thinking about all the problems in my life. So, I think whenever I need to a necessary task, I'll bring listen to music. This way, I can concentrate on completing my task.. and prevent my mind from wondering.
I guess, after all of this, I learned something.
If I want to be the best, I need to learn to balance my life. I need to learn how to deal with my emotion, and not neglect it and deprived it, because if I do, I'll go through a depression and that will hurt my grades.
I need to get over my crush, but this isn't a good time. I can do it in the summer. It will damanging on my grades. I also need to lose weight. I started this journey at 129.. and now, a year later i'm 131. This is the worse, but I realized that losing weight is not a battle. It's a war. It's a fight that you need to fight every single day. You can't do it today, and quit tomorrow. No, you need to be on your butt everyday and push yourself to live up to your task and expectation. Losing weight is not a 1 day battle, it's a lifetime war. Living healthy and making the right choices for yourself and your body is the only way you'll ever come out alive and happy. Living life to the fullest is being able to balance. Anything in extreme is dangerous. And, nothing is impossible. Nothing. You just need to set your heart and mind to it, but not for a day, but for ever day of your life until you die.
I might be a loser now. I might be farest away from my dreams. But, I'm going to try again tomorrow, and it it fail, the day after that. I'm not going to give up. Because I know I'm worth it. I'm worth the struggle and the trouble. Just like Gertie said, "life is short" :)
Hm.. my weight is disturbing me lately.
I'm not exactly sure what is going on. I haven't been doing anything different to my eating schedule. All, I did was that I went to the gym on a regular basis. I try to go 4x a week, but most of the time, I only go 3x a week.
Yet, my weight is still going up. I don't exactly feel like I'm getting weight. I do feel my muscle getting larger. But if this keep up, I'll hit the 130s pretty soon.. which, I'm not very hype about. I know I shouldn't be complaining about this, but there is something I want to do that requires me to be in the 115-117 lb range. This task is part of my bucketlist.And..I wanted do it for my mom. But I can't tell you the task yet, I'm still too shy to tell anyone about it.
Thus, I'm not very happy where my weight is going. Hm.. I wonder what i'm doing wrong.
I really need to get a grip on myself and reanalyzed my actions & eating behavior! Jewlz offered a great suggestion that I should keep track of what I eat on my phone. And that has been working like a charm! Thank you Jewlz! :) hahaha
Now.. summer is coming. I need to be more concious about my weight and take a more active role.
OH and my grades.. darn my grades.. Lol. I need to really analyzed that too. I guess I have been neglecting my weight and my grades lately because I was so emotionally caught up in this relationship thing. But that have all been in the past, and now I can truely focus. I need to get down to business and turn things around!
Okay, I'll make a analysis sheet in the morning. It's 1 AM. I need to rest!
