Healthy Living: the end of October

So, the week really hasn't started yet. But over this weekend, some bridges has really crashed and burned in term for some of my services.

One of my volunteer mate has left and it sadden because that puts our groups into a smaller position. This member has been in our group for a while now and seeing her leave make me sad. But it is inevitable. I guess I had to learn to accept and respect her decision.

With that said, we are moving forward with our projects and work. Eventhough our group is a bit smaller than before, as long as we have some dedicated member. I think it is possible to get our project up and running again.

And with the end of the month, I wanted to say goodbye to a mate.

Healthy Living: This Halloween

Wow, this week has been fun. I did so much this week. 

For Monday, I finished my writings. Then I volunteer and slept like crazy. 

For Tuesday, I went mini gofting with my parents. They are crazy good! My dad won the first round, and I tied with him the second round. My mom came last. But it was still so fun. 

For Wednesday, I volunteer again, and then I went shopping with my mom. We bought so much food. I can't wait to eat it all. 

For Thursday, I went shopping with my mom, and then I went to knotts berry farm. 

It was really scary. It was the fun scary actually. I didn't feel the haunt, but I really felt the scare. These people are really cool are into the spirit of Halloween. They pop out and scare me so much. I accidently said "hi" to one of the monster are she followed me to scare me. I was so scared!!

The haunted maze was awessome. They really do jump out and scream at you and follow you. I love their energy for the spirit of halloween. But the coolest part is the rides. The rides opened up at night and then we got to play around on some of the rides. It was so cool because the line was short and the night air was very refreshing. LOVED IT. 

This week, I guess I am just recuperating from the last few weeks of studying and writing. I probably have a few more things I hope to do while in Halloween. And I definitly need to go to gym and also get some more rest. 

Healthy Living: Roughing it out.

So, I went absent for the last 2 months because I was writing a lot. I don't know, a lot of has happen in the writing process. I broke down, cried, and got back up and write again. I went through many phases and emotional roller coaster. But hey, I'm here again. I have some ideas of what I want to dedicated the new few days to doing. I hope I could carry them out.

Healthy Living: Gym

So, I went to the gym today :)  ..600 calories babe.

Healthy Living: Little ears

Hello,

I was not intended on writing tonight on my blog or anywhere. I am not going to dive into my conditions. I am not going to vent about my progress because it is not time yet.
But I do want to say I missed writing on this blog and sharing my thoughts and feeling.

I was just sittin here tonight wasting nearly 4 hours fumbling around and not getting any work done. And for that time, I wanted someone to talk to. Someone to share my feelings. Someone to saw stuff to about my day and how it went and what i did. (I didn't even do that much)

I was thinking of hitting up my premed buddies.. but I didn't want to talk about medical stuff . I was thinking of hitting up one of my bff, but she is busy day dreaming about her boyfriend & all the magical stuff & lovey dovy stuff. Idk, I really didn't want to bother her, especially since I'm like 100% out of love so I really don't want to rain on someone else sunshine. I'll let her be. So, that left me with online friends, but then I was iffy about it because I'm not "offically" done with my writing process so coming back to talk to these chicas would very bad on my parts.

So, I was like.. um, let talk to parents. But then again, Idk. There are only so much stuff you can share with your mommy and daddy. And eventual, it just not that cool anymore. Idk, I just can't share everything with my parents. I think they have lives and have better stuff than here about me complaining about my progress.

So, I felt all alone. And I was like, well if I have a bf or gf, then that would be so cool, I could talk to them. They will listen. But.. I don't really feel like it thought. It would be nice to date, but I don't think I am in the circumstances to do so, and I really don't want to force it on anyone, or date online. I  don't know. Maybe I'm picky or something. I just don't feel it. I haven't met anyone who I have clicked with or at least past my very high bar standard. I don't know. No chemistry. No rush. No chase. Not yet. So, no on.

so, then I was just crossing off the list of who I can share my thoguhts and feeling to tonight. And AH HAH! I DO HAVE A BABE! Yes, its you.

For all the random people who run on this blog by mistakes, you can be the people who I talk with tonight. I will share with you feelings and thoughts that I would keep private to everyone in my real life. I dont' know why. I just think they don't need to know, and its very personal to me. I guess, this is just another side of me.

So, what do I ahve to share with you tonight? Well, nothing. It's just nice writing this to you. To show you I'm not dead. To prove to myself that I have another system of talking to the world about my thougths and feeling. And just to get ideas and thoughts out of my head so it doesn't' drive me crazy.

I guess, I do have a friend in you. Yes, you random people who stumble on my blog. I hope you can read English, and I don't mind listening to a girl. Just letting you know, your getting VIP accesss into my head.

And for that, I feel a lot better.

Healthy Living: What keep you going?

So, I am sitting here late tonight. I should be in bed now.
I just want to complain to you how tough it is.

First, I don't know what will become of me. I am hear reading up applications and secondaries statment from college, and honestly, there are some colleges that I feel outright they do not want me.

I don't know, its just.. I feel like i'm fighting against a current and I feel unwanted, unloved, and just an inferiority as a student.

I have self-doubt because I am not perfect. I have a low MCAT score. My GPA is okay. My involvement is okay. My research is good. My letters is good? I dont' know. I feel like a inferior for some reason like I am not good enough.

I feel like nobody wants me. I feel other students are so much better than me. And I am stressed out. I am tired. I feel inadequate. I am alone. I am kinda chubby. I have terrible sleeping habit (but its okay for my writing schedule) My back hurts from sitting on a chair all the time.

I don't know. I just feel its like one competition after another. One obstacles after another. One battle field to the next.

And honestly, I am also sad. I am alone. Before, I would have someone as an eye-candy. Not to date of course, but someone I would crush over, and yes, just someone to admire about. But nobody. On most day, I enjoy this freedom. and someday, I don't. And that is today.

So tell me...

When your in a situation where you are unsure about your future, you feel like you are going agaisnt the current, you feel inadequate and have self doubt, and you are alone, what do you? What keep you going? What make you tick? How do you push forward? Where is your moral compase now?



... What keep you going?

Well, here is my answer. That girl above is a guy. And she was once a boy living in a Japan. There were so much things in her life that pushed here agaisnt herself. She went through so much darkness. She is a transwomen. I am not. But I looked up to her. She went agaisnt the world to get what she wants. And so.. that is my answer. I can't tell you much more. But from here, that is my answer.

Healthy Living: Kinda.. brain dead but.. not wanting to sleep yet...

My dear, its too early in the morning for me to think.. and it is too late in my days to write. I am telling you. I hope you all are lovely & well.

There are something I cannot say. Not here, not to anyone. I don't know. Sometime, I feel that if I say it, it loses it's magic, it loses it affect. It loses it's significant of being something between your mind and your soul.