(Mistitled: the title tied in with the post, but not necessary explain how to get a boyfriend)
So, today, I woke up feeling half miserable, half pulling myself together since the latest rejection. I interviewed for a school and after that, they said no. It hurt. It got to me and really pulled me down for several days. And this happens in addition to all the trouble I am facing.
I can list here all the things that are bothering me, but I won't. I won't reaccount my troubles, because in spite of the rejections and all the negatives that are also existing in my life, THERE WERE, and still are, so much positive and hope that still exist. So, I can't say life is raining on me and I'm left here to drown. No, my dear, life is indeed raining, and drowning I am, but there is also a lifeboat nearby that I can swim to for safety, and if I hurry, I can catch it before it leaves. And in addition, a helicopter passed by and dropped me a little floaty to help on my swim to that lifeboat a bit yonder. That is really my situation.
And today, I want to speak about something that is on my mind lately. That is how I am treating myself since the rejections and even prior to the rejections.
Like I said, my life is not great at the moment, but not so terrible either. So, let's start.
Last night, I finished having late dinner with my parents and I went upstair to get something done for the upcoming interview. And in that, I was so tired that I fell asleep in my chair. So, instead of laying on the chair and sleeping, I decided, you know what, I'm going to lay on my bed. So, I did. I lay on my bed and slept. It was the most wonderful feeling in the world since my bed is so soft, my blanket is so soft, and my pillow is so soft. It was so lovely. And I thought, hey, this feels great.
It only occurred that I woke up at 2:45 AM in the morning and I thought maybe I should get up to do something and prepared for the upcoming interview. While I am snoozing, someone could have been working hard. That person should be me, and I also saw that I have a text from a friend regarding some trouble with our club. So, that is also an issue to resolved. And with all the conflict going so far, I don't know. My head was like.. you still got work. But my body was like.. no, I'm going back to bed. So, out of no particular reason, I situated myself back comfortably in bed and turned off the light. I have resolved to sleeping for a few more hours, and then get up and do work. Because I hate doing work to 6 AM and then wake up around 2PM in the afternoon.
I woke up around 10:30 feeling a bit dissapointed in myself not for waking up sooner. I felt like the worst person alived. And I also got emailed for something at work and also about our club. I just want to stop everything. Go get breakfast. Eat. Watch something funny on youtube.
Afterward, instead of doing anything work related. I went to stalk my friends twitters, and saw how a buddy of mine have a boyfriend. Then, for no particular reason, I went and googled "how to get a boyfriend". Did I wanted a boyfriend? No.; Was I looking for a relationship? Maybe; Am I acting strange? Definitely.
I was lucky enough to find a good video on "why you might not have a boyfriend". And it opened up my eyes. The video reminded me of something that I have forgetten since the beginning of this month.
1. Some people want to be in a relationship so they are not lonely.
2. You can't love and keep someone if you first can't love and treat yourself right.
3. How do you know if you really love yourself? she responded "It actually shows in your actions everyday, and how you act as a person and around other people, love yourself is about knowing your values, knowing what you are worth, and that you taking good care of yourself."
--> Loving yourself is about having this inner faith and trust about oneself. Its not about denying one's flaw or removing the negatives aspect about you. It is about coming to term with who you are, what you feel about yourself, and how to make yourself better inspite of not being perfect. Loving yourself means accepting yourself where you are, and trying to work at it to make yourself better and addressing those negative aspect and feelings in your heart and life. It not about being mean or being strict to yourself. Its about caring for yourself.
4. Alot of time people let you go not because they dont' love you, its because they feel like you need to find out who you are as a person first, and learn how to self love.
5. You should always feel confident about yourself first and that will attact the right guy. Confidence is sexy.
6. Don't be thirsty.
7. Love comes when it is the right timing. But you also need to create chances. It is you who create the opportunity.
--> What she meant was that. There is a right time and place when you meet someone awesome. But that also mean that you need to also get yourself out there. It is you who will need to create the opportunity and chances for people who walk into your life. That means, taking the chance to hang out with your friend, go out and do the activities that you love, and venture forward in different opportunities to explore the world and get to know yourself a little better. This is what she means by creating the opportunity for yourself to grow and to strengthen your traits. Everything else, you leave it up to life to decide.
And I that leaves to me to think about myself a little. I guess lately, I have not been loving myself. I been the opposite for that. First, after the last interview, I isolated myself from my friends and even tumblr. Afterward, I stayed iffy about my decision whether if I should like someone who is already in a relationship. And after the rejection, I beat myself up for my own failure. I thought negatively of my crew mate when we got into trouble by our boss. I am slow at getting myself back together because sometime I questioned whether I am good enough for this new place that I am interviewing, just like I did with my last interview. It always this inner voice of doubt I set up for myself.
And I can't say that I didn't try in those circumstance to do better for myself, but I guess I felt lost and fumbled into my mistakes. I am not perfect nor is my life right now. And the last thing I need is an internal thoughts beating me down for what I have not yet achieved. And so, it brings to me one thing. I want to say something to myself:
1. I LOVE YOU MAN! I LOVE YOU A LOT.
---> if this world fall apart and you failed at everything, I will be there hold you when you cry. People come and go. Life has it up and its down. You will succeed and fail. And life will happen. But no matter what, at the end of the day, I will be here. I will love you. I will cherished you. I will hold you cry, I protect you when everything in your life falls apart. I will be here forever and always. As long as you still breathing, I will always be by your side to share every emotions with you, to share every thoughts with you, and to fill your life with joy and laughter. And when you cry, I'll be there crying with you. For better or for worse.
2. You been working hard. Since graduating from college, you been put through a world of emotions. And despite all of the challenges and doubt, you always goes agaisnt the current. You challenged and you fought regardless of the result. You fought for me. You fought for our future. You fought for the things you believe in. The things you do and the things you dare to do. I cannot even put it into words. You are worthy. You are strong. You are incredible. And my god, you'll be one hell of a doctor one day.
3. I don't give you enough credit for what you do, and I don't spoiled you enough. You always work hard at what you have. You stayed up late. You work into insane hour of the morning. When the stress get too much, you sit on the floor to pull yourself together. You fight and you cried. You bled for what you believe in and for this uncertain future. You do it for yourself, your family, the people of the world, and for me. Thank you. Thank you for existing. Thank you for being me. Thank you for making my life so damn wonderful and worth living. You are the greatest gift I ever had.
And so, I don't think I been treating myself right. So what if I slept in last night. Its okay, I been having an exhausting wednesday. I delt with a difficult tuesday prior. And this last monday just suck ass. So, yea, So what I been taking things a bit slow. It hard. And I know this isn't helping our case in the upcoming interview. But it is essential that when you fall, you address your wounds before going head strong into fighting another battle. That right.
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