Healthy Living: Take a Seat

Take a seat with me, and together, we will watch everything falls apart. And slowly, you'll see the foundation of friendship I have built over the last 2 years crumbles in front me. What happened? I don't know. Maybe it was all my fault. Or maybe, it was something that was already inherently there and I was simply delivering the final blow. In the past 2 days, I lost 4 friends. I am sure many more will go by the end of week.

So, sit calmly next to me, and watch this disaster unfold. Let it be. Let it fall apart, for what need to go, must go. Let it be. After the rubble and dust has settle, I will take it all in. I don't know what I should do then. Maybe I'll cry. Maybe I'll blame myself for everything. Maybe I'll hate myself. Maybe I'll label myself off having some type of deficiency and an inability to keep and hold friends.

My heart hurts. For once, nothing is going to be okay. Its not. Its can't be okay. It falling apart. I will be left with nothing, the same as when I started this gap year journey. It hurts. I hated all of this. There were inherent problem with our group. I knew it. I knew there were secrecy, distrust, and hatred. Our problem has been building up over the years. We never fully address it in the open. Everything were kept either quiet or spread from one end to another. Before I know it, our group were merely skeleton of what we used to have. Now, we were held together on a thin string.

This past week, I let out my anger and frustration. As a consequences, I hurt several friends as a result. It's my fault. But I can't do it. I can't live quietly, swallow my feelings, and put up with the bullshit that has been occurring the group. I disrupted the dynamic and became the convict. Or maybe all of the things I told you right now are a mix of delusion. Maybe I am the bad guy here. I don't know.

Either way, I refused to run away from this group. Either they kick me out, or I am staying dormant. I am done running away. I am done leaving behind people and running away from my problem. I am going to stay and get through this. Or at least, until I get kick out and abandoned. One of those few options will do.